I’ve decided that if I ever have a little girl, I will name her Mohammed Mohammed. Just to fuck with her.
What would you guys name my kid? I assume that she will have a shitty personality and that she’ll probably be a big slut, just like her mother. Just kidding, you guys know I’m still a virgin. I keep telling you so.
Shit like this is why I love teh webz. Some fucking how, I end up meeting the most awesome people that I totes never would have before. You guys know I’m going through some shit right now and your comments and luv make me 
. Even though it is quite the sausage fest around here, has anyone else noticed that? Maybe I’m just too vulgar for the LADIEZ lol.
http://insanemission.com/2009/07/right/
See? F’awesome. “…lyrical catalog of a venerealy diseased sailor.” Yes, that would be me.
[UPDATE: http://insanemission.com/2009/07/does-2-beers-twitter-wordpress-yahoo-mail-google-wave/] True story, yo.
*Gynecologist (Seems like all fun and games until you really think about the general population, or “genpop” if you used to watch Oz on HBO)
*Dog pound euthanizer
*Programmer (JK JK I’m probs gonna be doing that in 2 months, so future employers, know that I am kidding (I am not kidding))
Alright, your turn. Go nuts. I’m just freshly living alone, staring at the walls and watching chick movies, so prease to amuse me, guys. I’m so bored I even did all of my work WTF.
Also, I took comment approval off, I don’t think my ex is gonna be a dick about it. BUT WE SHALL SEE, WON’T WE.
Remember that stupid-ass “Guess how many loads of laundry my fucking room has” contest I subjected you guys to? Well, commenter “Blacknapkin” (he has several other aliases, such as: Reverened Twatking, Lord and Lady Twatkin, etc. lol cause is he a fucking NUT and I just love him so much) — anyway, that was a hell of a bad sentence, so I’ll just say that “Black Napkin” won in an email submission.
He actually lives in UK, but I ordred the “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” dvd from amazon.co.uk and he and his family fucking loved it. Which makes me soooo happy, bc I’ve probably seen it about 50 times myself.
Anyway, here are pics here very kindly snapped of him receiving the movie in the mail. Contragulations my darling BlackNapkin!
For everyone else, I know I haven’t been blogging lately, or like fucking AT ALL, since school started. That’ll change, probably post again today. Teaching an actual programming class is harder than teaching a “Microsoft Word applications” class, but it’s actually really fun, dare I shat it maybe even rules? Cray, right.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, embarrassing, fashion, pug, tv, video games, you
What’s that? You don’t care about this? Oh yes you do. [They're heeled jellies, btw.]
Contrary to the pug’s extreme rudeness, my feet do not stink. From the “Melissa” (shoe brand) website:
“A few years ago, to add to the melissa experience, the decision was made to infuse all melissa shoes with a sweet bubblegum smell. ”
K so the answer is obviously douchebag. Well anyway, here’s this:
The Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging! :(!
1) I had the Black Lung for 3 weeks, and so was unable to sleep on my right side.
2) Excessive staring (like most things, best done in moderation).
3) Been playing Wii Bowling so much that I have developed a rash on my throwing-arm. I admit this to you in confidence, so you are legally prohibited from making fun.
And now, Questions For My Twat Tacos:
a) What is the best movie/show you have seen in the past few?
b) What is the most embarrassing?
Filed under: Laura Linney's vagina, bored, chillin today, dating, fashion, intertron, you
Pisses me off. So I’m gonna keep it gangsta at http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com/. If it doesn’t change your life, you are made of stone.
***Other Breaking News***
-Sexual harrassment is alive and well this week! <333 inappropriateness in the workplace. I have FINALLY arrived.
-Guys, I can tell what your dick looks like by looking at your hands. I think.
-I challenge any one of you to wear a more obnoxious outfit. TO WORK. Prove it, and I’ll send you something in the mail. Good luck getting past the obnoxion of these shoes:
-This website looks like someone threw up all over it. Time to change it.
-If a cat keeps chillin’ at your doorstep, eats like he hasn’t been fed in 80 thousand years, and still has his nuts, does that mean he has no owner? Meaning, can I keep him? I’m asking.
-I have to give a talk at a conference in San Francisco next week. PROJECTILE VOMIT.
Fucked Me Right Up - Sean Hayes
“Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.”
He literally says this 24x in a row. Excellent. He does not give an EFF.
Coming up next: I bought some crazy-ass shit today. It involves eggs, things that light up, and the fact that I am an idiot. I’ll put a vid up soon.
Usage:
“I was about to come to fruition, when the word ‘administrivia’ popped into my head and I couldn’t remember if it was a real word or not. Couldn’t get it back on the rails after that.”
So I ended up getting the blue shoes, they’re biodegradable like my red ones and I like to pretend that is why I bought them. They’re like ineffective rain boots, so that’s cool? Robert, Yipany, Master & Commander of Napkins, and Jen, you might wanna close your eyes now.
The rest of you didn’t vote like I axed, so I’m forced to bring him out again:
Why do you make me do it?
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.
Level III Commenter, Professor Napkin, has managed to freak everyone out with his tendency to “shampoo the goldfish”. I will do my best to help.
My ideas on his usage:
Scene: INT. OFFICE. DAY.
[ring ring]
Nakkins: Hullo, Prof. Napkin here. What do you fancy? I live in London.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Want to see a British movie tonight?
Nakkins: Uh, right. See, the thing about it is I’m busy. I have to shampoo the goldfish.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Understandable. I’ll not call again. Or I might kill you.
My ideas on proper usage:
Scene: INT. KITCHEN. MORNING.
Teen: Yo whatup Mom. Ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?
Mom: Sounds like someone needs to shampoo the goldfish.
Filed under: Iowa, beer, bored, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, what a dick, you
OK guys: FLIGHT CANCELED. If I could bitch-slap the weather, I would.
I was so looking forward to NOT THIS. Since I am an emotional handicap, I’m pretty sure the entire airport knows I how I feel about my extended stay in Iowa.
Please, someone talk to me. I’ve already tried screaming SERENITY NOW!!!! but that pissed everyone off.
I’ve started drinking.
That smile was captured en route to the Airport of Sadness. It has been turned upside down. A couple-few more heinekens and we’ll right-side-it-up again.
Filed under: Iowa, bored, chillin today, eating food, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, you
Relatively Constant Circumstances:
- Softwater
- Going ANTIQUING against one’s will. Oh yeah I am being super-cereal about this
- Where is the tobasco? Do I have to eat the fish eggs
- Can I put this down your garbage disposal / do you like your dishes in the dishwasher facing North? [AGAIN, super-cereal] / where do I put my empty glass bottle?
- Had to leave all my recreational “God made dirt => dir’t don’t hurt” plant life at home
- B&W movies, of which I don’t have an across-the-board prob with, but who watches “The Day the Earth Stood Still” in its original version when you have 20-something guests in your home?
- Sneaking alochol. Hoping no one planned to put scotch in their eggnog, as I have stolen and hidden it in the basement guestroom.
2) 
3) 
7)
Consequences of the Above C ircumstances
- I cannot get clean, no matter if I rinse long enough to freeze myself out when 6 other people are taking/have already taken showers. Filmy soap scum is an evil, slippery force.
- I’ll show you the rest of my “finds” shortly.
- I am not satiated. Not hardly. The W.T. in me doesn’t like fish eggs.
- I don’t want to be a pretentious dick about your refusal to recycle so let’s all get uncomfs when I ask where to put the empty glass .
- I could handle this whole thing in a more civil manner if I had some herbal assistance and had decided to bring my Wii. My lungs are sort of thanking me, though.
- Actually, who wants to see either version? OK, if you’re a guy with the guy retard gene, may-hap you wanna see the remake with KEANU. Full disclosure, I have the retarded chick gene that has caused me to watch Kate Hudson’s “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” 130492x.
- When there isn’t 50 people up in the kitchen, must spike whatever is on hand, and with a quickness.
Bonus glass of FAKE WINE of TRICKERY:
P.S. I hope you guys hearted your ecards if you requested one. If you still want one, send me an email at halfassitude at gmail. Wuv you guys, would rather hang out with you via interton any day.
Filed under: you
Send your email add to halfassitude@gmail.com. I promise you will regret it.
