And they were all, Hey! Let’s put Magic Johnson in a commercial! So everyone can associate our refrigerators and couches with AIDS!
So I might go to a different titty bar to waitress (walked out on other place last Sunday). Because not learning from my mistakes is my favorite. I’m not entirely sure I’m even going to take a third job anymore. Maybe bank teller. Any ideas? *sigh* I know you guys are gonna be dicks, lol. Don’t disappoint me. :)
Hey fuckers, how are you? I’m pissed because I have to do actual work today (grading and fixing class website and shit.)
My mom has some fucked up taste in shoez. Look at this shit:
WTF is that. No really, what is that. How does one walk in those things? My nose feels broken just thinking about it.
Yes, that is a can of chicken broth on my couch. That’s just how I roll, son. Chicken soup better be up on that couch by time I get home.
This weekend, anyway.
I’M BACK.
I’m teaching a summer class, and it starts this week. Gotta finish takin’ care of bidness, then go to bed early so they won’t find out what a MONSTER I am lol. I’m actually a pretty cool teacher. IF I MAY SAY SO MYSELF, lolol.
Filed under: Jesus Christ, eating food, gross, mental, what a dick, working
Some fuckin’ people, am I right?
Anyway, GROSS ALERT I went to the doctor because apparently I have a stye. So I asked him if it was an eye tumor, because at virtually every doctor visit I inquire about something that I think is probably a tumor. He is of Indian descent, and a very good doctor, but when I asked if he was sure it was not a tumor, he was like “LOL, It’s nott a tuh-moh!” a la Arnold. Then I was like HAHHAAHA cause that one never gets old for me, and he was like 
.
Anyway twat sprinkles, what kind of plants/animals/children did you guyz have for breakfast/lunch? I had a sandwich and a xanax, because Monday Meetings can suck my dick.
1) Any form of WIN in the Passive-Aggressive Games of the Monday 330 meeting
2) Mother stopping by to get all in my kool-aid and fuck shit up [Currently In Progess]
3) Anything Balls-to-the-Wall
4) Stevie Nicks calling Lindsay Lohan’s kettle black? Luv Steve, but hasn’t she done enough cocaine to safely say that she has done a SHIT LOAD of cocaine?
Filed under: Jesus Christ, Pro-tips, old people, scotch, what a dick, working
Fuck most of them. Fuck them right in the face. Don’t even worry about it.
JK’s! What a shit day I’ve had, and now I’m just full of BEANS. For starters, I almost leapt across a desk today to non-lovingly smack someone in the face. Then I actually said this:
“If I am made to do that, I will end up walking out. Again.”
Great job, Self-from-Earlier-Today! “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, yeah, I wrote that book.
Oh well. At least I didn’t fart.
Soon, twat sprinkles! I’m grading like bananas right now >:o
I ASSASSINATED that presentation.
Just kidding. But I didn’t die, vomit, OR start crying! Actually, I think I did pretty well for my first conference talk. OMFG PICTURZ:
Sorry I’ve been MIA! My connecting flight was canceled and other boring shit happened, but I’m back and holy crap did you guys see this last night? Or this? Or this?! [And thanks for the tights, Yipany!]
Ugh. Time to put on the big-girl panties, cause I’m giving my first talk at a conference. Fucking LAZER-POINTERZ. Grown-ups staring at me while I try not to act like a fucking spaz.
Not entirely sure how wearing BGP’s are gonna help me, but hell, I’ll give it a shot.
So it’s really great that not only do I have the SARS (I’m really ill and pretty sure this is what SARS feels like), but I also have Three Big Meetings tomorrow.
Two of the three involve PowerPoint slides accompanied by my voice, and I’m seriously considering wearing my SARS mask so people will get creeped and want to GTFO as soon as possible.
Yeah, you’re gonna want to wipe down your monitor after leaving here.
-Electronic mail from my BOSSZ:
-Adding an old high school friend on Facebook, then clicking on their “INFO” tab:
Sarah Palin? Really, dude?
And I’m working SO HARD on my new endeavor over here: http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com, please go see. xx
1) Find a napkin
2) Put it on
3) Pick out some weird shoes (key for distracting your question-asking opponents)
If you’re out of napkins, something like this’ll do:
That’s right. I just set women back 50 years. Tell me something new.
Dudes I have a doc appointment today, because I have pneumonia and I’m probably going to die. I decided it this morning. I swear there is fluid in my LUNGZ.
Only doc who would see me today is Creepy Large Samoan Man Doc who’s really into poking, prodding, and breathing on me. I foresee a Rape Shower this afternoon.
***UPDATE: So I’m a big asshole for doing this, but look what arrived in my electronic mailboxz today. You see? I WAS NOT KIDDING***
Look, I know these “Ice Cream Socials” are like one of the top ten annoyances according to the children of Darfur, but allow me to be shitty and comprain about having to attend these fucking things.
You can’t really say, “No. No, I don’t really want to eat a bowl of ice cream in the middle of the fucking day with you guys. And honestly, I don’t understand why you would want to either, unless you have a badass metabolism or you’re 5.”
Know why you can’t say that? Because it seems uppity and rude, and unless you’re morbidly obese, no one will understand why you won’t just eat a fucking bowl of ice cream in the middle of the day. If it were like a once-a-year thing, fine, whatever, but it’s not. Plus the name is pretty up there with the cheesiness. ”Ice Cream Social, you guyz!!! Toot toot, All Aboard!” The expression on my face in reaction to that was a blank stare with lots of blinking (in the best case and I am guessing.)
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
But don’t worry, I’m not on suicide (homicide) watch yet.
*****BORING DETAILS ALERT*****
I used to work on biological networks, but I’m not a biologist, so I wanted to stab my eyes out every day. I’ve always wanted to work on poverty problems, but as I’ve noted before, that’s a pretty crazy thing to try and write a Computer Science dissertation on.
I pointed all of this out during fart meeting, and mister silver-tongued gypsy man was all, “Boo-yah! I’ll let you work on social networks and you can fix poverty like that. And terrorism.”
Btw, by social networks I mean this kind:
and not this kind:
Then he shoved a research paper in my face about “Social Network Capital, Economic Mobility and Poverty Traps” in developing countries, and I figured he won again so I pretty much got up and left. Cause that sounds pretty cool, right guys? Guys?
You may now begin placing bets amongst yourselves about when this post will make the rounds again. By my watch, should be about same time next year. I guess no one’s gonna pay me to pet kittens and puppies all day, so I may as well try this.
BONUS MATERIAL — and SPEAKING of social networks — and breastfeeding — Nakkins is one of the Greater Digital Artists of our time!
Filed under: Jesus Christ, The Lord, don't, mental, oh fuck, scotch, teaching, what a dick, working
Dudes. You know how I like to drop out of the PhD program every year? WELL, I QUIT AGAIN TODAY (via an epic-ass email sent at 3pm.)
My boss’s response: ”I understand your frustration and anxiety. I used to feel that way, too. Let’s meet tomorrow and I’ll give you some tips/lessons I’ve learned on how to deal with stress.”
Jigga WHAAAAt??
He clearly is in denial or only read 1/8th of my email. I picture him looking at it with one eye closed, pointer fingers in his ears, and screaming “LA LA LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEEEAR YOOOOU!!!” Did I mention that the email was epic, and listed all of the reasons why I want to quit, as in QUIT, the program?
@L$H%@$#gw^. So now I get to have “Awkward Conversation of the Year” at 4:30pm tomorrow. At least my Friday presentation for work is now canceled (high-five, guys!)
Wish me luck. I have no idea if I’ll get snake-charmed into staying in the program that makes me hate my life and all living things. LE FUCKING SIGH.
You GUYS. I started teaching a class at the community college today. The class is entitled: “How to Work the Computer Machine.” Mm-hm cereal.
For today’s lesson I identified the keyboard, mouse, and an output device known as the monitor. You may think I am joking; I am not.
My face hurts.
And Mr. Napkins was kind enough to replace Doris Day with the “modern” Doris Day: ME.
So I’m not sure what I was thinking with this one. I already has a job, and they are none too pleased w/my latest stunt.
I got a call to teach a couple of classes at the local community college, and I was like aight, let’s meet and see what’s up. What is up is that they need someone STAT, and what also is up is that my current employer is not exactly throwing a parade right now. BUT:
FTW I’m not teaching a class at the University next semester, just TA’ing (Teacher Assistant’ing) twice a week. The main concern is how it will interfere with my research. I would like to GTFO of this program one day and before I get hit by a bus or something.
After an epic convo with my boss this afternoon, I think I might could do all three. Final decision to come tomorrow. If my boss(es) DO NOT WANT, then I’ll post another pic tomorrow evening with sadface and two wine bottles indicating extreme disappointment instead of the joy you see above.
Well slap my rear and call me Sally if I didn’t find out today that I’m getting my very own assistant! This has been a dream of mine since I was like TWO.
The young man’s purpose in life will be to do all the bullshit programming that I don’t feel like doing. KICK FUCKING ASS.
I’m going to try and push it with him, just for funsies. I’ll start out slow — what minor task should I ask for first?
I’m thinking something along the lines of “grabbing me a soda”. He really is supposed to only program for me, but I am determined to abuse the living shit out of this and I must be stealthy…
If I play my cards right, I could have him fetching me black market amphibians (is there such a thing? Task #1 for Halfassitude Intern, find this out.)
