My friend showed this to me, and you’re going to click on it and listen to it. This is no music blog, it’s a me-being-a-little-dickhead blog, but this song is my picnics and sunshine.
Oh yeah and informed my ex via email that “”You are like the sherriff, mayor and comptroller of Douche City, TX.” I won’t get into details, but he took shit far. Too far. Men. Am I right? Oh wait, it’s a snausage fest around here, maybe a couple of my girlz will represent.
Look, I don’t know what this TwitterMoms.com is, and I don’t want to, either. But how is pot the new pilates? I can guess that they’re saying, Moms, stop doing pilates and just smoke pot. So whatever. If you twatsprinks wanna look into it, keep us updated because I can’t bring myself to go to that website. It sounds horrible.
So I was misbehaving at work the other day (duh), and got like mega intoxicated because of an old hispanic man who kept pouring Goldshlagger down my throat. I supposedly was thinking, “Good I’m really making this place of business a nice profit”, or maybe I was thinking “Goldshlagger! Cool!” Anyway, my mid-level manager saved me from the GM, who wanted to fire my ass. I just have to take “fake shots” from now on that are like koolaid and shit, but the customers think I’m steady drinkin’.
Not drinking there is for the best, anyway, I have to drive home really late at night and do we all remember my little “incident”? I’m both Azn and a Woman, so I’ve already got two strikes against me with the whole “driving” thing. Also, I’m not really feelin’ the club enviornment lately, hope I can stop doing this soon. For now, the money is good and I’m just happy that I didn’t get my dumbass fired. Yet.
[Edit: from the comments section by @fartknocker or @fartboner or something, try this http://lmgtfy.com/ and do an actual query, it made me rofl till I vommed. "rofltiv"?]
I have renamed this vid “FML”. And no, that is not me. What’s really funny is that I referenced my own little “incident”, as does she and I hadn’t even seen the vid yet. Again, FML.
Really, it’s a fucking blast. Jk it is pure unadulterated hell sometimes even when it’s mostly mutual.
I bought these tacky ass hearts that feel like gummy bears, and I put them on my window. They’re making me feel better.
Filed under: Jesus Christ, eating food, gross, mental, what a dick, working
Some fuckin’ people, am I right?
Anyway, GROSS ALERT I went to the doctor because apparently I have a stye. So I asked him if it was an eye tumor, because at virtually every doctor visit I inquire about something that I think is probably a tumor. He is of Indian descent, and a very good doctor, but when I asked if he was sure it was not a tumor, he was like “LOL, It’s nott a tuh-moh!” a la Arnold. Then I was like HAHHAAHA cause that one never gets old for me, and he was like 
.
Anyway twat sprinkles, what kind of plants/animals/children did you guyz have for breakfast/lunch? I had a sandwich and a xanax, because Monday Meetings can suck my dick.
Dear Tony: I have a few questions. My D.O.B. is 3-19-63. Have I lived before? Was I a wicked person in my past life? Is that why everything is upside down now? — Nina A.
Dear Nina: Yes and no. — Tony Leggett
HHAAHAHAHA. Give this man some more money. He is the best at psychic healing. Nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
Filed under: Jesus Christ, Pro-tips, old people, scotch, what a dick, working
Fuck most of them. Fuck them right in the face. Don’t even worry about it.
JK’s! What a shit day I’ve had, and now I’m just full of BEANS. For starters, I almost leapt across a desk today to non-lovingly smack someone in the face. Then I actually said this:
“If I am made to do that, I will end up walking out. Again.”
Great job, Self-from-Earlier-Today! “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, yeah, I wrote that book.
Oh well. At least I didn’t fart.
But don’t worry, I’m not on suicide (homicide) watch yet.
*****BORING DETAILS ALERT*****
I used to work on biological networks, but I’m not a biologist, so I wanted to stab my eyes out every day. I’ve always wanted to work on poverty problems, but as I’ve noted before, that’s a pretty crazy thing to try and write a Computer Science dissertation on.
I pointed all of this out during fart meeting, and mister silver-tongued gypsy man was all, “Boo-yah! I’ll let you work on social networks and you can fix poverty like that. And terrorism.”
Btw, by social networks I mean this kind:
and not this kind:
Then he shoved a research paper in my face about “Social Network Capital, Economic Mobility and Poverty Traps” in developing countries, and I figured he won again so I pretty much got up and left. Cause that sounds pretty cool, right guys? Guys?
You may now begin placing bets amongst yourselves about when this post will make the rounds again. By my watch, should be about same time next year. I guess no one’s gonna pay me to pet kittens and puppies all day, so I may as well try this.
BONUS MATERIAL — and SPEAKING of social networks — and breastfeeding — Nakkins is one of the Greater Digital Artists of our time!
Filed under: Jesus Christ, The Lord, don't, mental, oh fuck, scotch, teaching, what a dick, working
Dudes. You know how I like to drop out of the PhD program every year? WELL, I QUIT AGAIN TODAY (via an epic-ass email sent at 3pm.)
My boss’s response: ”I understand your frustration and anxiety. I used to feel that way, too. Let’s meet tomorrow and I’ll give you some tips/lessons I’ve learned on how to deal with stress.”
Jigga WHAAAAt??
He clearly is in denial or only read 1/8th of my email. I picture him looking at it with one eye closed, pointer fingers in his ears, and screaming “LA LA LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEEEAR YOOOOU!!!” Did I mention that the email was epic, and listed all of the reasons why I want to quit, as in QUIT, the program?
@L$H%@$#gw^. So now I get to have “Awkward Conversation of the Year” at 4:30pm tomorrow. At least my Friday presentation for work is now canceled (high-five, guys!)
Wish me luck. I have no idea if I’ll get snake-charmed into staying in the program that makes me hate my life and all living things. LE FUCKING SIGH.
Filed under: Iowa, beer, bored, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, what a dick, you
OK guys: FLIGHT CANCELED. If I could bitch-slap the weather, I would.
I was so looking forward to NOT THIS. Since I am an emotional handicap, I’m pretty sure the entire airport knows I how I feel about my extended stay in Iowa.
Please, someone talk to me. I’ve already tried screaming SERENITY NOW!!!! but that pissed everyone off.
I’ve started drinking.
That smile was captured en route to the Airport of Sadness. It has been turned upside down. A couple-few more heinekens and we’ll right-side-it-up again.
Well slap my rear and call me Sally if I didn’t find out today that I’m getting my very own assistant! This has been a dream of mine since I was like TWO.
The young man’s purpose in life will be to do all the bullshit programming that I don’t feel like doing. KICK FUCKING ASS.
I’m going to try and push it with him, just for funsies. I’ll start out slow — what minor task should I ask for first?
I’m thinking something along the lines of “grabbing me a soda”. He really is supposed to only program for me, but I am determined to abuse the living shit out of this and I must be stealthy…
If I play my cards right, I could have him fetching me black market amphibians (is there such a thing? Task #1 for Halfassitude Intern, find this out.)
Filed under: farts, hammock, intertron, me me me, movies, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
I know I don’t have to explain this to you, because I am clearly one of the better Camera Artists of Our Time and you guys appreciate art. I can tell. But this piece, which I was moved to capture this morning, is entitled “Loneliness” because OBVS, just look at it, and also cause every joy has been sucked out of my life since I am also the Stupidest Decision Maker of Our Time.
Agenda for the first day of the rest of my life:
- Download more music because I am a moron who throws computers around and doesn’t back up her shit
- resolve my love/bored/confused relationship with Yo La Tengo, Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene
- figure out how to get Pandora to work WITH me and not AGAINST me (just cause I marked that I liked a song doesn’t mean I’m OBSESSED with it)
- Write an exam for the class test tomorrow
- Respond to 50 intermittent emails about why students can’t make the exam tomorrow due to recent bodily harm
- Thrash around on the hammock and complain for 30 minutes before I start my research (for MEETING tomorrow, h8 meetings 4 lyfe just everyone leave me alone)
So they built extra cubicles, and I am now forced to drive all the way to work just to sit in one. I’m fucking pissed. Thank GOD “The Slurper” is not in my lab this time (more on him and a longer vid later, right now I have something naughty to do that takes precedence.)
We all know that I don’t exactly “thrive” when forced to do something I don’t want to do. I generally act like a 5-year old in these situations, which is why I spend a lot of time at home. HOWEVS. Last night I tried to make an exception, and all things considered, I give myself a B minus.
Oh wells. I have an extremely hard time concealing my displeasure, to the point where it should be considered a legal retardation or handicap. I was good for about 2 hours, then it started leaking via facial expressions and “funny” [I thought they were funny] comments. YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
Know what, alarm clock? Know what woulda been cool? If you had told me that after 5-7 snoozes on my part, you would be like “FUCK YOU then”, and proceed to make executive decisions regarding the rest of my day by shutting yourself off completely.
*BTW, anyone who owns an alarm clock like the one above is an automatic asshole. No questions asked.
So I shot out of bed with 15 minutes to get ready, took a quick Trailer Park Shower (splash of cold water on the face, a fresh layer of deodorant, and a quick teeth-brushing). I was feeling down in the dumps, so I decided to make myself even later and get an Egg McMuffin: I am 100% positive that they fried it in butter today, if that is even possible. Or someone accidentally dropped it in a vat of butter — either way, I almost threw up in the morning meeting I was late for.
A butter-soaked mcmuffin may sound good, but it’s actually quite raunchy. Feeling much better now, hammock-side with a cold one, beautiful day outside, carbon monoxide alarm going off again but not consistently so let’s hope I don’t die. Friday’s are my FAVORITE.
Filed under: he-celebs, oh fuck, old people, politics, she-celebs, tv, what a dick, working
I am so freaking P.O.’d about this. I know I expressed great regret over the last presidential debate-drinking game, but events of tonight’s caliber only come around once or twice in ever. UnFORTUNATELY, I have my weekly Meeting of Death tomorrow morning, and predict that I’ll be working late into the night.
This insanely awesome show will be on in the background, but I won’t be able to experience the event as fully or deeply as the rest of the nation, which no doubt will be engaged in some drinking game. Unless I will, in which case I’ll formulate and post the rules as we go on my tumblr: http://halfassitude.tumblr.com/
Filed under: bleeding, fashion, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
Yeah, that’s right. It was karaoke night, and I was drinking my Applebee’s meal while seated near the finest of gentlemen and scholars. If you were to ask what I was doing at A-Bee’s on their weekly “W.T. Extreme” night, I would respond by telling you to STAY FOCUSED and don’t bother me about it right now.
Anyway, that Toby Keith man (your spiritual advisor and mine) has this song, right. It’s that one, the one about putting a boot up yer ass under certain conditions and such. What I overheard from the young men regarding this song was so amazing [I live in Texas] that it led me to make some life decisions, regarding Applebees, “karaoke night”, and most people. What a shitty and condescending thing to say, huh. Well guess what I’m on my period. <3
Those pictures are entirely unrelated, but I’m fairly certain that you all know the drill here. They’re kinda borderline, huh. Best to publish them on the world wide webinator.
Teaching is going well, it is quite the shitload of work. I feel like I can’t say anything I really want to say about it, for fear of getting in twubble one day. Maybe I’ll password-protect a post and unleash. I have some other big news I’ll post about tomorrow, also! Yay I think! Some of you are going to roll your blog-reading-eyes when you find it out.
I am proud of this little outfit, mostly because it was so hard to construct. There are FOUR total loops in the middle of the top with which to basket-weave oneself into. And the back’s criss-cross maneuvering required two screwdrivers, one battery and a Miller Lite. Oh yeah, and I obviously bought an indoor hammock and THAT FUCKING RULES:
