You GUYS. Firstly, when I got back from Hawaii, my router was all fucked up, so I’m posting this while sitting atop a mountain of clothing because I have to sit in this hellhole of a room to use internets (other than my beloved/heavily abused gphone).
Anyway, those of you who know me IRL know that I made a decision to start doing all these healthyish things as soon as I got back. Such as:
*starting to run
*quitting smoking cigarettes (WHITE KNUCKLING IT, expect some posts telling all of you how much I H8 u even though I actually heart all of you so hard)
*quitting doing certain things and/or people that I need to stop “doing”
*quitting the PhD program, which I tried to do via gphone email (literally) at the airport bar. GUESS WHAT, didn’t work. Why doesn’t it work? How does this continue to happen? I’ve done this, what, 8 times now? God, I almost wanna check my blog archives just to record my own audacity. Anyway, he was like, no. ”Whatever, Ang. I”ll placate you for now, and I’ma let u finish, but you’re gonna gradumate cause I’m a new professor and I don’t care.”
*getting a house keeper every two weeks
[Ed. Note: Check out the difference between gphone pics and iphone pics. iphone pic is the clear one in the middle fml]
This weekend, anyway.
I’M BACK.
I’m teaching a summer class, and it starts this week. Gotta finish takin’ care of bidness, then go to bed early so they won’t find out what a MONSTER I am lol. I’m actually a pretty cool teacher. IF I MAY SAY SO MYSELF, lolol.
Not complaining about that like some little shithead, just saying, I’m more hungover than your mom the day after you were conceived.
Also, my boss is pretty far up my asshole this weekend about getting the course website completely in order before classes start on Monday. So I’ll be working when I can.
Here’s a quickie pic of pug at the beach, more pics to come today. YOU CAN ACT FASCINATED NOW.
Soon, twat sprinkles! I’m grading like bananas right now >:o
I ASSASSINATED that presentation.
Just kidding. But I didn’t die, vomit, OR start crying! Actually, I think I did pretty well for my first conference talk. OMFG PICTURZ:
Sorry I’ve been MIA! My connecting flight was canceled and other boring shit happened, but I’m back and holy crap did you guys see this last night? Or this? Or this?! [And thanks for the tights, Yipany!]
Ugh. Time to put on the big-girl panties, cause I’m giving my first talk at a conference. Fucking LAZER-POINTERZ. Grown-ups staring at me while I try not to act like a fucking spaz.
Not entirely sure how wearing BGP’s are gonna help me, but hell, I’ll give it a shot.
I’LL NOT LEAVE YOU AGAIN. Not for a good, long time. This is what Happy Airport looks like:
So I take it all back. All the things I’ve said about you:
- the insufferable humidity
- your “dance clubs”
- NASCAR
- your general insistence on the Immaculate Conception — high-five, Mary. You pulled it off.
“srsly god did it”
via vexappeal
Filed under: Iowa, beer, bored, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, what a dick, you
OK guys: FLIGHT CANCELED. If I could bitch-slap the weather, I would.
I was so looking forward to NOT THIS. Since I am an emotional handicap, I’m pretty sure the entire airport knows I how I feel about my extended stay in Iowa.
Please, someone talk to me. I’ve already tried screaming SERENITY NOW!!!! but that pissed everyone off.
I’ve started drinking.
That smile was captured en route to the Airport of Sadness. It has been turned upside down. A couple-few more heinekens and we’ll right-side-it-up again.
I have never been this stoked to board a plane to TEXAS. Things to indulge in:
- tacos
- my beloved Wii
- a stinkly pug
- Virgin Mary air fresheners (Yes. I miss the Catholics)
Filed under: Iowa, bored, chillin today, eating food, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, you
Relatively Constant Circumstances:
- Softwater
- Going ANTIQUING against one’s will. Oh yeah I am being super-cereal about this
- Where is the tobasco? Do I have to eat the fish eggs
- Can I put this down your garbage disposal / do you like your dishes in the dishwasher facing North? [AGAIN, super-cereal] / where do I put my empty glass bottle?
- Had to leave all my recreational “God made dirt => dir’t don’t hurt” plant life at home
- B&W movies, of which I don’t have an across-the-board prob with, but who watches “The Day the Earth Stood Still” in its original version when you have 20-something guests in your home?
- Sneaking alochol. Hoping no one planned to put scotch in their eggnog, as I have stolen and hidden it in the basement guestroom.
2) 
3) 
7)
Consequences of the Above C ircumstances
- I cannot get clean, no matter if I rinse long enough to freeze myself out when 6 other people are taking/have already taken showers. Filmy soap scum is an evil, slippery force.
- I’ll show you the rest of my “finds” shortly.
- I am not satiated. Not hardly. The W.T. in me doesn’t like fish eggs.
- I don’t want to be a pretentious dick about your refusal to recycle so let’s all get uncomfs when I ask where to put the empty glass .
- I could handle this whole thing in a more civil manner if I had some herbal assistance and had decided to bring my Wii. My lungs are sort of thanking me, though.
- Actually, who wants to see either version? OK, if you’re a guy with the guy retard gene, may-hap you wanna see the remake with KEANU. Full disclosure, I have the retarded chick gene that has caused me to watch Kate Hudson’s “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” 130492x.
- When there isn’t 50 people up in the kitchen, must spike whatever is on hand, and with a quickness.
Bonus glass of FAKE WINE of TRICKERY:
P.S. I hope you guys hearted your ecards if you requested one. If you still want one, send me an email at halfassitude at gmail. Wuv you guys, would rather hang out with you via interton any day.
I’m in fucking Iowa. I’m getting in trouble for not putting up ornaments. I now have a vodka ginger ale that looketh like water [don't think I didn't drink on the plane.]
[Or at the airport bar. Relax, those glasses aren't all mine]
More to come later. I told Jen I’d make her a snow angel. If I chicken out, I’ll blame it on my cough. IT IS DAMN COLD UP HERE.
Don’t fuckin’ ask me. I dunno:
I even read the entire inside here? And it’s on pre-order until January wtf? It’s actually pretty great, considering my reading level is on par with that of a 3rd grader, but was it necessary for me to purchase the hardcover??? The grad school salary literally puts me under the federal poverty line. [Side note: my former 40-something boss once told me she "blacked out the other night" and "apparently ordered the Billy Joel Special Edition Box Set."]
**BREAKING NEWS** Yipany just delivered to me the ultimate, and ALSO a pair of shoes that defy the awesomeness of your mom. Pics of those to come soon, I’m outties tomorrow but will continue to blog FOR I WILL BE IN EFFING IOWA MINUS 7 DEGREES !$%#@%#
Book info here, in case you’re drunk and feel like pre-ordering a hardcover children’s book that will arrive post-January.
I just want to build a giant pillow fort today and not ever come out. I have so much work to do and I want to run away from home, teenager-style: backpack and get on the Greyhound, only to return 3 days later and 10 pounds thinner.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, denver, eating food, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, trips, working
ASSHOLE ALERT: Whenever I see before me a tiny plate of over-priced food, e.g. GOAT CHEESE BALLS (referring to the shape and not the testicles), I am reminded that I am an ass. From my “Denver: Weight Gain 2000″ trip:
These were voted Denver’s “#1 Fried Cheese”. I vote them “Tasted Like Asshole”.
I thought I loved ANYTHING cheese. But as it turns out, I only like lower-middle class cheese, such as brie, extra-sharp cheddar (getting fancy), and I dunno, gorgonzola? This isn’t the first time I’ve tangled with the goat cheese. It just sounds good at the restaurant (what? it does to me), but then I order it and become very sad when I have to eat it.
Hey my paper was submitted! Go team! It is here [edit: email me if you want the link, as if you want the link] but you have to download it (suck), and believe me it is FASCINATING. If it’s accepted, I can go to the conference in San Fransisco and order more goat balls!
So I fucking. did it. again. with the laptop. Practically threw it on the ground this time, and it is fucked. Third laptop I have taken out in 4 months. NOT KIDDING (see here and here). Thankfully, I am borrowing one from school. Next time I buy one, I will store valued and irreplaceable data on it, then just shoot it directly in the face with a gun.
She’s still pissed about the whole “Denver” thing.
For the entire trip, she was all, “Denver can suck it, MOM. Thx a lot go buy me an Egg McMuffin.” Which I of course DID, because pugs are very emo in the first place, and also she refused to eat her dog food for days.
You can see her enjoying the Egg McMuffinous fruits of her petulance in the following “A Pug in Denver” montage:
This hotel connection is pure shit. At least there is one, right? The internets are half full.
Watching Family Guy, drinking a Miller Lite and grossing out on my dog’s tourist-food-farts [she refuses to eat her dog food right now, so she gets half of my Huevos Rancheros from the restaurant next door]. There’s actually a “lobster mac n chee” at some steakhouse that I’m going to eat the shit out of on Wednesday night. I sound like such a d-bag.
Filed under: denver, embarrassing, fashion, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, pug, trips, working
I’m giving an epic hour-long presentation tomorrow on some shit I know nothing about. So I’m looking forward to that.
Hey guys every time I buy a dress from Modcloth, they feel the need to throw in the weirdest of shit. Such as:
That is clearly a bear with a tape measure coming out of its mouth. Last time, the bonus was a giant pterodactyl necklace. Fuckin awesome?
Anyway, I’m driving to Denver tomorrow with the PUG after my public humiliation is over (the presentation, remember?). I’ll be cooped up in a motel most of the week with puggleton, so I’ll be making videos with the intent of majorly freaking you out.
I’m also being pressured to go White Water Rafting, and anyone who knows me knows that I do not like White Water, Rafting, or Being Outside. So you can expect some pics of me looking really pissed and wet.
