I’ve decided that if I ever have a little girl, I will name her Mohammed Mohammed. Just to fuck with her.
What would you guys name my kid? I assume that she will have a shitty personality and that she’ll probably be a big slut, just like her mother. Just kidding, you guys know I’m still a virgin. I keep telling you so.
Well, firsties, I’m so happy to be typing and breathing in and out! I canNOT believe I walked away from that shit in one halfassitudinous piece. Had to get stitches up in my knee shit.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
I am the sort of moron who is just happy that they had pink bandages. And small pic of the car cause I can’t bear the image:
Anyway, they had to give me an ultrasound to check for liver damage because blah blah blah, and while the technician was rubbin’ the thing up on my belly and looking inside of me, I was like, “Can you see the baby?” And his face was like, 
*oh noes!* I gave him about 5 seconds of terror, then said, JK. Fucker was a fast one and then asked me, “What if I had said yes?” ”Then I must be the next Virgin Mary.” (I’m a virgin you guys, duh.)
*Thanks for the “cheer up” socks you gave, Robert! You have awesome taste in socks! :) 
I wore the “cheer up” workout outfit today at the clinic, too! Comfy!
As you all know and are tired of hearing about, I just broke up with my dude. DUH. Well I’ve been keeping the fuck busy, but hangin’ with my girls and drinking the ackahol so much can’t remain a permanent thing. I need a damn hobby. Ideas, please. I’m being cereal for once, tell me what to do with myself, I only teach on Mon & Wed, and with my other time I swim but I’m getting so tan that people are beginning to question my ethnicity.
It has been suggested to me that I exercise, and I have a Wii Fit, but we all know that is complete bullshit. I’ve been told to power walk, but….
No one has ever power walked and looked hot doing it. NO ONE. Do not argue with me on this. And I’m a singleton now, so I need to look hot 24/7, naw mean? Can’t be cock blocking (or twat swatting if you will) my own damn self, that’s other people’s job.
So give me some hobbies? I do need to exercise, though. Maybe I will post a vid of myself doing the Wii fit hula hoop workout. Not in my panties though like the others circulating round the net, sorry guys but my parents are still alive.
One really shouldn’t. It may cause one to make cunty-faced decisions.
Same goes for you males. Don’t think with someone else’s cunt. It’s a slippery slope.
Yeah, I’m about to drop an egg, can you tell? You’re lucky to not be around me, for those of you who don’t have to physically be around me . For the rest of you: sorries!
P.S. I’m going to the beach Fri-Sun, but I’ll be in my special “women’s” condition…..DO YOU THINK I WLL ATTRACT SHARKS?? I’m going to ‘pon it up, of course, but still….HA doesn’t want to get eaten this week. :(
Filed under: Jesus Christ, Pro-tips, old people, scotch, what a dick, working
Fuck most of them. Fuck them right in the face. Don’t even worry about it.
JK’s! What a shit day I’ve had, and now I’m just full of BEANS. For starters, I almost leapt across a desk today to non-lovingly smack someone in the face. Then I actually said this:
“If I am made to do that, I will end up walking out. Again.”
Great job, Self-from-Earlier-Today! “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, yeah, I wrote that book.
Oh well. At least I didn’t fart.
Scene: EXT. WALGREEN’S PARKING LOT. DAY.
Halfassitude walks toward the entrance and notices that an annoying little lady has set up an annoying little table out front.
LADY: Hello, have you heard of the D.A.R.E. program?!!!?! 
?
HALFASSITUDE: Yes. Yes I have.
LADY: Would you like to take a moment to look at all this shit on my table and buy something to help?
HALFASSITUDE: No thanks. I like drugs.
LADY: 
—————————————
So I proceed to do my shoppings, all the while LOL’ing in my head, until I realize that I have to cross paths with Lady again on the way out. I smiled at her; she looked at me. Then her phone rang with some hip-hop ringtone and it was over.
~fin~
Oh, and D.A.R.E.?
1999 called. It wants its web design back.
Usage:
“I was about to come to fruition, when the word ‘administrivia’ popped into my head and I couldn’t remember if it was a real word or not. Couldn’t get it back on the rails after that.”
So I ended up getting the blue shoes, they’re biodegradable like my red ones and I like to pretend that is why I bought them. They’re like ineffective rain boots, so that’s cool? Robert, Yipany, Master & Commander of Napkins, and Jen, you might wanna close your eyes now.
The rest of you didn’t vote like I axed, so I’m forced to bring him out again:
Why do you make me do it?
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, Pro-tips, bored, chillin today, embarrassing, video games
When I was a younger little twatsprinkle, I conducted a lot of research (via Prodigy and America Online) on making my breasts grow larger by using my brain.
[yes -- recycled pic from this summer -- it's not as if my breasts have grown since]
I read that if you close your eyes and picture yourself topless in the sun, breasts buds would further blossom, because something about the tingling sensations that actually occur when your breasts grow due to teh puberties, yeah, none of this makes sense. But that is a true story. And obvs, it didn’t pan out.
So that was my life then, this is my life now. Jealous?!!?! No? :(
My friend’s friend has taken us all to school. BURGER-ORDERING SCHOOL. Or FATGIRL SCHOOL.
Bravo. That is nasty.
Score is calculated as follows (begin with +10 for the holidays):
- Intoxication level of the speaker: x 3
- Mention of a medical condition: +1
- Unnecessary specificity: x 6
- Playing hand-squeezy w/new prayer-neighbor during moments of hilarity: -10
- Eyes remain closed: +5
- Eyes do not roll back up into head: +20
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.
Level III Commenter, Professor Napkin, has managed to freak everyone out with his tendency to “shampoo the goldfish”. I will do my best to help.
My ideas on his usage:
Scene: INT. OFFICE. DAY.
[ring ring]
Nakkins: Hullo, Prof. Napkin here. What do you fancy? I live in London.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Want to see a British movie tonight?
Nakkins: Uh, right. See, the thing about it is I’m busy. I have to shampoo the goldfish.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Understandable. I’ll not call again. Or I might kill you.
My ideas on proper usage:
Scene: INT. KITCHEN. MORNING.
Teen: Yo whatup Mom. Ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?
Mom: Sounds like someone needs to shampoo the goldfish.
Gentlemen: With the cold season upon us, do you find that your breasticles have begun to itch? This would have to do with dry skin. Or one would hope.
Ladies: How bout you? Or do you own higher-quality undergarments that do not cause you to sneakily swipe at your breast during meetings and family dinners. Lace is OUT, I decree.
Our Date
1) You buy me raw oysters. I impress you and tell you not to bother looking for an oyster’s penis; it’s not there. I explain to you the “gonads” situation, leaving out that I learned all of this from one of my commenters.
2) I attempt to eat a raw oyster and promptly vomit. You gently tease me as you clean up the mess.
3) You sit and watch me drink, a la Rufus Wainwright: 14th Street
4) We go to my home and play outdated video games on my PS2 (Tony Hawk, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas) as we watch The Learning Channel on the second tv.
5) I show you the cutest dresses I’ve found online last week. You are thrilled and provide meaningful feedback.
6) THE END. Your ride arrives and takes you back to the institution.
If he has a biblical name, inquire after his siblings. Try to find out their names. If they are also biblical, well there you go. High Information Content.
*does not apply to Jewish Given Names
