And my FACE.
Remember when I almost cracked my skull on the hammock last September? I do, too. But bros, this time it wasn’t my fault, okay?:
Look at that shit. It can no longer support the 105 lbs. that is Halfassitude.
As we all know, I am a genius, so I’ll be shopping online for new hammocks today — while laying in the hammock. I just can’t quit you, thing that elevates me 3 feet off the air and sometimes hurts me. I hope this turns into a Tina Fey scar.
She is my idol. I would wife the shit out of her if I were gay.
I want to buy her things, and cook for her, and laugh and cry with her, and sing Sweet Home Alabama with her, forever and ever, Amen.
Dear Tony: I have a few questions. My D.O.B. is 3-19-63. Have I lived before? Was I a wicked person in my past life? Is that why everything is upside down now? — Nina A.
Dear Nina: Yes and no. — Tony Leggett
HHAAHAHAHA. Give this man some more money. He is the best at psychic healing. Nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
When she does the whole, “Just sit back, and relax, and let us get you informed here, that’s our job, ok?”
I get a little warm inside.
Oh yeah, and titty slip:
Filed under: The Lord, dunnoes, embarrassing, he-celebs, old people, people I would sleep with
I have. 
Not pretty.
Our Date
1) You buy me raw oysters. I impress you and tell you not to bother looking for an oyster’s penis; it’s not there. I explain to you the “gonads” situation, leaving out that I learned all of this from one of my commenters.
2) I attempt to eat a raw oyster and promptly vomit. You gently tease me as you clean up the mess.
3) You sit and watch me drink, a la Rufus Wainwright: 14th Street
4) We go to my home and play outdated video games on my PS2 (Tony Hawk, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas) as we watch The Learning Channel on the second tv.
5) I show you the cutest dresses I’ve found online last week. You are thrilled and provide meaningful feedback.
6) THE END. Your ride arrives and takes you back to the institution.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, eating food, fashion, hammock, people I would sleep with, pug
My week. Warning about the 50 or so f-bombs: there are 50 or so f-bombs.
It was the official beginning of my weekend and I was sauced on margaritas. Sry. <3
Okay, so this one may not be entirely true. FSJ is a definite go, and PSH is a definite prob if I watched a marathon of Punch Drunk Love, Along Came Polly, Almost Famous, Love Liza, Magnolia and The Savages. IN THAT ORDER.
But I sure could hang out with Jase if he would act all whiny and good-intentioned, with his trademark “enh enh” frustration.
He would have to do something about this hairdo he insists upon. And the Shopgirl role grossed me a little.
But aside from that, THIS ruled:
It is how I wake up every morning “motherfucking cock sucker motherfucking shitFUCKER what am I doing. What am I doing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m doing the best that I can. I know that’s all I can ask of myself.” Except that I’m usually not doing the *best* that I can, and I also have a very different poem at the end. Maybe I will share it with you later. You all like reading other people’s poetry, right???
He was also quite funny in the 5 seconds I saw of “Bewitched” (this movie is an ABOMINATION).
In conclusion, Jason Schwartzman is on thin ice regarding my special list. It is meant to include the non-obvious, but for some reason I am torn. Apparently not torn enough to refrain from typing up a blog post about it when I should be preparing for my Very Important Meeting tomorrow morning.
Stay with me here: Fake Steve Jobs ruled, esp. in the glory days when I actually read it. It was so good.
Howevs. It has gotten a little boring, esp. bc I’ve been more busy lately (inflatable kiddie pool discovery in my garage and such).
I know what you are thinking: He is way OLD, but 1) I love a guy who has all this modern tech info in his old-ass brain, 2) he’s totally hilarious and 3) this
So anyway, I fell into a deep slumber before my 2pm meeting at the “other” college today, and woke up at 1:03. I usually spend most of my drive rehearsing the meeting in my head, and it goes all awesome, but then I get there and spaz out. Today especially. Turned out cool in the end, though. Africa best be gettin ready for some clean water, cause I’m about to bring it, bitches.
So if you have like 50 minutes to spare, you can check out this awesome interview (I think it’s awesome, you will not) of Dan Lyons (aka Fake Steve Jobs) at a Google Talk about the FSJ blog in gen and also his FSJ book. If you don’t like the FSJ blog, you will not like this vid.
I fucking love this man. He is the male version of me: sarcastic, misanthropic, and self-impressed <3 <3 <3
White Chocolate! Raindrops!!
Why I chose both clips from “Along Came Polly”, I do not know. But I got me some BANGZ, bitches!
Tony Hawk now then have to wake up at 5am omfg to take my mom to the airport. What the hell? Le sigh.
