Maaaan, I was gonna go to this badass party w/my BFF Deanne, but I passed out cause I had taught all early-ass that morning. Omitting details, I ended up crashing for a nizzap, then woke up and had some wine => ended up agreeing to go to a VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) bar party with my PARENTS.
As if that weren’t enough, because it apparently WASN’T, I spent most of the night drinking wine and dancing with my own MOTHER. My step-dad wanted to die, I’m sure of it. I still managed to catch a MAJE hangover, which I’m nursing right now with hair-of-the-dog.
It’s a collection of figurines that are up for like, sale, called “Forever in Blue Jeans”. Who would collect this? This is insane.
First of all, I for real got an email from a student today with the subject line, “HORSEBACK RIDING”.
K, it’s related to an assignment, barely, and in a way that you don’t need to understand, but fuck that was weird. I’m still not sure if it’s more “lol” or “fml”.
Also, there’s this, from “funny likes on facebook” (forget who to credit this for, @GoodWhiteman maybe [Edit: it was @adamontherun, and the correct sn is @WhiteGoodman, anyway]):
This is for real my fucking playlist right now: http://blip.fm/profile/angelakdean/playlist. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT. It’s like, I’m a chick, or something. I know that most of you guys are male, but I also know that most of you work 9-5 and use headphones at work, and you can just thank me later for making you feel like a 12-yr old who just got her first period. And yes, Taylor Swift is present. And not because of my husby Kanye and his latest Kanye-Being-Kanye, it’s cause I DO WHAT I WANT.
So, I hate being a cocktail waitress most of the time, and especially when I have to deal with drunk guys trying to touch my hands (I fuuucking hate that (not from guys in gen, just from guys at the titty bar when I’m fucking hustlin’ and I’d probably be happier selling used cars)) and godknowswhatelse they try to swipe at. This right here for my cat’s chemo is why it *was* worth it, but I’m getting fucking sick of that environment. I need to find a diff job that pays on the quick and doesn’t involve old guys with hella alcohol breff trying to grab my ass.
I was told that I could actually embed this vid into wordpress, but either Dailymotion.com is a liar, or they take a while and it’ll show up like 3 times tomorrow. http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/mazzy/video/x67um_jesus-mary-chain-sometimes-always_music. It was my favorite thing evar like 50 years ago. [EDIT: Yep, 12 hours later, they all show up. I left one below so you don't have to click.]
Hey fuckers, how are you? I’m pissed because I have to do actual work today (grading and fixing class website and shit.)
My mom has some fucked up taste in shoez. Look at this shit:
WTF is that. No really, what is that. How does one walk in those things? My nose feels broken just thinking about it.
Yes, that is a can of chicken broth on my couch. That’s just how I roll, son. Chicken soup better be up on that couch by time I get home.
1) Any form of WIN in the Passive-Aggressive Games of the Monday 330 meeting
2) Mother stopping by to get all in my kool-aid and fuck shit up [Currently In Progess]
3) Anything Balls-to-the-Wall
4) Stevie Nicks calling Lindsay Lohan’s kettle black? Luv Steve, but hasn’t she done enough cocaine to safely say that she has done a SHIT LOAD of cocaine?
Filed under: Jesus Christ, Pro-tips, old people, scotch, what a dick, working
Fuck most of them. Fuck them right in the face. Don’t even worry about it.
JK’s! What a shit day I’ve had, and now I’m just full of BEANS. For starters, I almost leapt across a desk today to non-lovingly smack someone in the face. Then I actually said this:
“If I am made to do that, I will end up walking out. Again.”
Great job, Self-from-Earlier-Today! “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, yeah, I wrote that book.
Oh well. At least I didn’t fart.
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
Filed under: The Lord, dunnoes, embarrassing, he-celebs, old people, people I would sleep with
I have. 
Not pretty.
You GUYS. I started teaching a class at the community college today. The class is entitled: “How to Work the Computer Machine.” Mm-hm cereal.
For today’s lesson I identified the keyboard, mouse, and an output device known as the monitor. You may think I am joking; I am not.
My face hurts.
And Mr. Napkins was kind enough to replace Doris Day with the “modern” Doris Day: ME.
I came home the other day to find that a small Vietnamese lady had entered and posted this on my fridge:
That’s right. It says, “Ang, this is how your’s huose.” To be fair, my mom was raised in a willage in Vietnam where they did not teach the children English. That is not the point. I certainly couldn’t say that in Vietnamese. Also, I rent my house from her => she has a key. Imagine if your mom had a key to your place. Nothing good can come of that.
Anyway, she took the time to get the scissors, pen a message, and arrange it on my fridge. I wonder what I will be like at her age. At least she’s amusing herself?
Score is calculated as follows (begin with +10 for the holidays):
- Intoxication level of the speaker: x 3
- Mention of a medical condition: +1
- Unnecessary specificity: x 6
- Playing hand-squeezy w/new prayer-neighbor during moments of hilarity: -10
- Eyes remain closed: +5
- Eyes do not roll back up into head: +20
Filed under: Iowa, beer, bored, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, what a dick, you
OK guys: FLIGHT CANCELED. If I could bitch-slap the weather, I would.
I was so looking forward to NOT THIS. Since I am an emotional handicap, I’m pretty sure the entire airport knows I how I feel about my extended stay in Iowa.
Please, someone talk to me. I’ve already tried screaming SERENITY NOW!!!! but that pissed everyone off.
I’ve started drinking.
That smile was captured en route to the Airport of Sadness. It has been turned upside down. A couple-few more heinekens and we’ll right-side-it-up again.
I have never been this stoked to board a plane to TEXAS. Things to indulge in:
- tacos
- my beloved Wii
- a stinkly pug
- Virgin Mary air fresheners (Yes. I miss the Catholics)
Filed under: Iowa, bored, chillin today, eating food, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, you
Relatively Constant Circumstances:
- Softwater
- Going ANTIQUING against one’s will. Oh yeah I am being super-cereal about this
- Where is the tobasco? Do I have to eat the fish eggs
- Can I put this down your garbage disposal / do you like your dishes in the dishwasher facing North? [AGAIN, super-cereal] / where do I put my empty glass bottle?
- Had to leave all my recreational “God made dirt => dir’t don’t hurt” plant life at home
- B&W movies, of which I don’t have an across-the-board prob with, but who watches “The Day the Earth Stood Still” in its original version when you have 20-something guests in your home?
- Sneaking alochol. Hoping no one planned to put scotch in their eggnog, as I have stolen and hidden it in the basement guestroom.
2) 
3) 
7)
Consequences of the Above C ircumstances
- I cannot get clean, no matter if I rinse long enough to freeze myself out when 6 other people are taking/have already taken showers. Filmy soap scum is an evil, slippery force.
- I’ll show you the rest of my “finds” shortly.
- I am not satiated. Not hardly. The W.T. in me doesn’t like fish eggs.
- I don’t want to be a pretentious dick about your refusal to recycle so let’s all get uncomfs when I ask where to put the empty glass .
- I could handle this whole thing in a more civil manner if I had some herbal assistance and had decided to bring my Wii. My lungs are sort of thanking me, though.
- Actually, who wants to see either version? OK, if you’re a guy with the guy retard gene, may-hap you wanna see the remake with KEANU. Full disclosure, I have the retarded chick gene that has caused me to watch Kate Hudson’s “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” 130492x.
- When there isn’t 50 people up in the kitchen, must spike whatever is on hand, and with a quickness.
Bonus glass of FAKE WINE of TRICKERY:
P.S. I hope you guys hearted your ecards if you requested one. If you still want one, send me an email at halfassitude at gmail. Wuv you guys, would rather hang out with you via interton any day.
I’m in fucking Iowa. I’m getting in trouble for not putting up ornaments. I now have a vodka ginger ale that looketh like water [don't think I didn't drink on the plane.]
[Or at the airport bar. Relax, those glasses aren't all mine]
More to come later. I told Jen I’d make her a snow angel. If I chicken out, I’ll blame it on my cough. IT IS DAMN COLD UP HERE.
OMG T-Givingz 2oo8:
1) Uncle Robert* regaled us with tales of Istanbul in the 60’s, where you may:
a) wipe your butt with your finger, then have that fingernail cleaned and spritzed with perfume by a presumably very sad lady attendant, OR
b) participate in the “Wall of Spoons” method, where there’s this wall, and everyone has their own spoon.
Nice, right.
2) I started World War III, natch (see Fig. 4c). Not kidding, either. Sry. Can’t help it.
3) I decided to get a new T-Givz dress overnighted because I am a bratty little shithead (it’s below). My NEW FAVORITE CUST SRVC REP waived the overnight fee. I almost proposed. I’m standing on my ancient piano there. Know any elves? That shit needs tuned.
4) I had to watch the football >:O. Not cool, guys. Did not want.
FIg. 4c (via HRO (that linky not always so SFW))
How was your T-Givingz? I’ve been drinking way too much scotch lately/again. Hope I don’t grow a beard. Did you know you can put scotch in egg nog instead of whiskey? You totes can. Maybe that’s duh but I was pleasantly surprised.
*he’s not really anyone’s “Uncle”
We all know that I don’t exactly “thrive” when forced to do something I don’t want to do. I generally act like a 5-year old in these situations, which is why I spend a lot of time at home. HOWEVS. Last night I tried to make an exception, and all things considered, I give myself a B minus.
Oh wells. I have an extremely hard time concealing my displeasure, to the point where it should be considered a legal retardation or handicap. I was good for about 2 hours, then it started leaking via facial expressions and “funny” [I thought they were funny] comments. YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
Filed under: he-celebs, oh fuck, old people, politics, she-celebs, tv, what a dick, working
I am so freaking P.O.’d about this. I know I expressed great regret over the last presidential debate-drinking game, but events of tonight’s caliber only come around once or twice in ever. UnFORTUNATELY, I have my weekly Meeting of Death tomorrow morning, and predict that I’ll be working late into the night.
This insanely awesome show will be on in the background, but I won’t be able to experience the event as fully or deeply as the rest of the nation, which no doubt will be engaged in some drinking game. Unless I will, in which case I’ll formulate and post the rules as we go on my tumblr: http://halfassitude.tumblr.com/
Filed under: bleeding, eating food, fashion, me me me, movies, oh fuck, old people, working
Drugstore-Pharmacy parking lots. Am I right, people? I normally like the elderly, BUT NOT WHEN I AM ON MY PERIOD.
I could tell you about my latest job prospects, but more important that I share the latest in NECKLACES THAT I NEED:
They call this the “popsicle” necklace. Do you know why? I don’t. I’ve never encountered a popsicle with sprinkles, so I have decided it is a delicious ice cream bar.
As I am currently living off of my savings = “ha! ha! ha!”, this one has been added, along with the others, to failnecklaces.com/chipmunkfart.
Okay twatlettes you know I wouldn’t leave you without a gratuitous shot of ME ME ME. I can be found in this position for most of the day now because UNEMPLOYMENT RULES.
The jobs I’m looking at are Rescue Coordinator for the city pound (they’re trying to go “no-kill” by 2012, they currently kill shitloads every day), and “Make-a-Wish” Foundation Program Director. These have zero to do with my Computah School background, but I’m applying anyway. I’m just happy knowing someone out there is reading my application and laughing at me.
ME THEN………………………..ME NOW:
MOVING RIGHT ALONG, today’s viewing assignment is below. If you bore easily or you’re running late for something or you don’t care about me, skip to the 0:27 mark. It’s a documentary about high school debate teams who act insane.
I wonder if that screaming blonde chick is embarrassed. I would be. But she’s probably not unemployed like me. She’s probably screaming at someone somewhere.
Okay that’s enough. It is now TACO TIME.
