You GUYS. Firstly, when I got back from Hawaii, my router was all fucked up, so I’m posting this while sitting atop a mountain of clothing because I have to sit in this hellhole of a room to use internets (other than my beloved/heavily abused gphone).
Anyway, those of you who know me IRL know that I made a decision to start doing all these healthyish things as soon as I got back. Such as:
*starting to run
*quitting smoking cigarettes (WHITE KNUCKLING IT, expect some posts telling all of you how much I H8 u even though I actually heart all of you so hard)
*quitting doing certain things and/or people that I need to stop “doing”
*quitting the PhD program, which I tried to do via gphone email (literally) at the airport bar. GUESS WHAT, didn’t work. Why doesn’t it work? How does this continue to happen? I’ve done this, what, 8 times now? God, I almost wanna check my blog archives just to record my own audacity. Anyway, he was like, no. ”Whatever, Ang. I”ll placate you for now, and I’ma let u finish, but you’re gonna gradumate cause I’m a new professor and I don’t care.”
*getting a house keeper every two weeks
[Ed. Note: Check out the difference between gphone pics and iphone pics. iphone pic is the clear one in the middle fml]
I love my igoogle pussycat. She’s always doing what I’m doing, except when she decides it’s time for some light gardening.
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, bored, chillin today, cool music, me me me
Oh yeah and LL’s breasts (Semi-SFW):
Yeah, I’m recycling my blog shit now. You gotta cut me some slack cause I’m going through some bullshit but I still wanna talk to you guys. So emo it hurts, lol.
Well slap my rear and call me Sally if I didn’t find out today that I’m getting my very own assistant! This has been a dream of mine since I was like TWO.
The young man’s purpose in life will be to do all the bullshit programming that I don’t feel like doing. KICK FUCKING ASS.
I’m going to try and push it with him, just for funsies. I’ll start out slow — what minor task should I ask for first?
I’m thinking something along the lines of “grabbing me a soda”. He really is supposed to only program for me, but I am determined to abuse the living shit out of this and I must be stealthy…
If I play my cards right, I could have him fetching me black market amphibians (is there such a thing? Task #1 for Halfassitude Intern, find this out.)
Still ten pounds FATTIER since before I started working again, but better than the fifteen lb’s of McDonald’s I was carrying around. An actual MEDICAL DOCTOR once told me that if you poke the yoke out of an Egg McMuffin, it is “super healthy”. Not so, mon frere. Or maybe it’s to do with my local McDonald’s penchant for soaking things in butter.
Filed under: farts, hammock, intertron, me me me, movies, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
I know I don’t have to explain this to you, because I am clearly one of the better Camera Artists of Our Time and you guys appreciate art. I can tell. But this piece, which I was moved to capture this morning, is entitled “Loneliness” because OBVS, just look at it, and also cause every joy has been sucked out of my life since I am also the Stupidest Decision Maker of Our Time.
Agenda for the first day of the rest of my life:
- Download more music because I am a moron who throws computers around and doesn’t back up her shit
- resolve my love/bored/confused relationship with Yo La Tengo, Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene
- figure out how to get Pandora to work WITH me and not AGAINST me (just cause I marked that I liked a song doesn’t mean I’m OBSESSED with it)
- Write an exam for the class test tomorrow
- Respond to 50 intermittent emails about why students can’t make the exam tomorrow due to recent bodily harm
- Thrash around on the hammock and complain for 30 minutes before I start my research (for MEETING tomorrow, h8 meetings 4 lyfe just everyone leave me alone)
I just want to build a giant pillow fort today and not ever come out. I have so much work to do and I want to run away from home, teenager-style: backpack and get on the Greyhound, only to return 3 days later and 10 pounds thinner.
Dudes, I just ate my morning fatgirl tacos, and guess what:
I don’t feel so good and I’m way tired. Howevs, today I have to write an hour-long lecture on spamdexing or some shit for tomorrow’s class, then do research for Scary Meeting on Friday, and also get in at least 30 minutes of wall-staring. :(
I suppose I will make a list:
Pros: I am tired, I am already in the hammock and my pug is here sleeping so WHY CAN’T I, and also I have a lot of work right now.
Cons: I already had some coffee, I have to wake up early tomorrow so I should rilly not stay up till one tonight, and I have so much fucking work to do today
Clearly, the Pros have it. Why does it seem like someone’s grandma hacked into my blog and created this post. This is like the gayest post ever.
Did I somehow channel ANS with a mixture of the flu, a margarita, beer, and a birthday?
Filed under: bored, chillin today, denver, eating food, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, trips, working
ASSHOLE ALERT: Whenever I see before me a tiny plate of over-priced food, e.g. GOAT CHEESE BALLS (referring to the shape and not the testicles), I am reminded that I am an ass. From my “Denver: Weight Gain 2000″ trip:
These were voted Denver’s “#1 Fried Cheese”. I vote them “Tasted Like Asshole”.
I thought I loved ANYTHING cheese. But as it turns out, I only like lower-middle class cheese, such as brie, extra-sharp cheddar (getting fancy), and I dunno, gorgonzola? This isn’t the first time I’ve tangled with the goat cheese. It just sounds good at the restaurant (what? it does to me), but then I order it and become very sad when I have to eat it.
Hey my paper was submitted! Go team! It is here [edit: email me if you want the link, as if you want the link] but you have to download it (suck), and believe me it is FASCINATING. If it’s accepted, I can go to the conference in San Fransisco and order more goat balls!
So I fucking. did it. again. with the laptop. Practically threw it on the ground this time, and it is fucked. Third laptop I have taken out in 4 months. NOT KIDDING (see here and here). Thankfully, I am borrowing one from school. Next time I buy one, I will store valued and irreplaceable data on it, then just shoot it directly in the face with a gun.
Filed under: embarrassing, fashion, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, working
Look. I just want you to be happy. See I even made this for you:
You’re welcome. I really painted that, btw. Last week and I did all of it myself. It’s yours and for only 5 dollars!
Option B: You tell me where you want to go. I get fixed up and ride along with you in the car. I read the directions off of my ass, then we arrive, and everyone has a nice time:
That is for 6 dollars.
Why? For one, I don’t think my paper will be submitted by midnight. I just got a funky email from my advisor, who was adding his parts and fixing my work and trying to get it in on time, but he was being all weird and using emoticons and shit. And not in a good way, but in a nervous or in an I-have-some-bad-news-for-you kind of way.
For two, I just get so pumped about teaching that I face plant on the carpet and give myself a third-degree rug burn (KNEE GASH) in front of the children.
The wide-eyed 19-yr old children, who felt so embarrassed for me that they sent me unsolicited emails all day to say that it wasn’t so bad or they’re sure my day will get better.
19-yr olds telling me to suck it up, that is why.
Filed under: eating food, embarrassing, fashion, hammock, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, working
Fuck. I just stayed there on the ground. I didn’t even get up for a while. Then I mumbled half the lecture, let class out early, and relived the whole thing for the rest of the day. THIS WILL BE ADDED TO MY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REEL IMMEDIATELY. There is an interesting detail about this that I can’t share here, but I’ll email a few of you and tell. It makes things exponentially worse, it was situational and unfortunate and I usually don’t roll like this, but if you have a creative mind you can probably figure it out.
So obviously, TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I have a 5-page technical paper to write and submit for a conference by tomorrow at midnight, and I found out about it yesterday evening. Just got home after having most of my writing shit-canned by my advisor, now settling into the hammock to continue writing gently into that good night. Poured a glass of red and eating ’sketti tonight for dinn, cause I deserve it after this skank-ass of a day.
I ordered this ring, though! Pretty gay, right? I’ll show you gay when it comes in on Thursday. I want the necklace too, but maybe I should quit being so retarded.
I killed it in my meetings today, if by “killed it” you mean showing up 20 minutes late to a seminar presentation, and drawing boxes and lines spastically on a white board in the subsequent meeting. Then sharing that I did not get much sleep last night [sharing this is not good advice, don't fucking do that and if you accidentally did, change the subject and fast].
Next: There is a Dove-sponsored “School for Self-Esteem of Totally Normal Girls” that I just saw a commercial for. Oh, good! No. Seems like an insane waste of time and money. Maybe these girls just shouldn’t propagate if they already have issues. [This is different from a program where the children are disfigured or mentally something-or-other. The purpose here is to free normal girls who are at a healthy weight from the evil beauty stereotypes in magazines. Dove != Oprah and this promotion is overboard.]
When did I become so crotchety? Guess I’m just tired from busting ass all week. Today is beer, bbq, hammock, internet-for-pleasure-instead-of-programming, and buying the brightest tights online that I can find to cheer me up. Because I’m an asshole and things like that cheer me up.
Speaking of a-holes [I don't really think you guys are a-holes, just occasional twat blockers], THANKS for not voting on my thing like I asked earlier:
“Think you could do me a solid and vote in the comments regarding these two vids?
The first (apparentely boring) one is here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyjzOMSDa9g. The other one is at the blog post here, and the youtube link for it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qM53FJt9gNE.
I guess the clip here is clip A, and the other one is clip B. Thanks, I’m trying to win the Internet Moron 2008 award, and your feedback is invaluable. From all 2 of you.”
MikeTwatterson voted, so he is exempt from the following picture. As for the rest of you:
Filed under: MTV must die, eating food, embarrassing, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, politics, teaching, tv, working
Yes, for the THIRD time. I had thought that I could save all the homeless animals and Africans with a Master’s in CS, but after my “Summer of Negative Income”, I came to realize that no one in the non-profit field gives a shit about my programming skills. Also not considered was my ability to effectively do group-work with computer nerds, who happen to be virgins (info was volunteered), and who talk way too close to my face. *Note that those aren’t real classmates of mine, I wouldn’t do that. I was tempted, but I never would.
+ 
!= 
All my friends and my crazy Vietnamese mother think I’m making the wrong decision, mostly becaue I used to complain a lot about it. Well fuck, who wouldn’t. It’s fucking hard, yo. [LOL ever since I saw "The Wackness" (movie about a drug-dealing wigg with a heart of gold in the 90's), I keep saying "naw, dawg" or "yo what up with that hurricane", etc.] No one around me is amused. Probably a little embarrassed, too.
You know what embarrasses me? Those high-school PA-system speeches that students give when they are running for Student Council treasurer and what not. I’ve heard a lot of them recently because..well….I’ve been watching the MTV again. Anyway, I think I’ve gotten a lot meaner than I was in high school. I’m still really nice and always have been [My, don't we like ourself today?], but I feel that I would make much more fun (to close friends only, obv) than I did before. The speeches give me goosebumps and make all kinds of hairs on my body grow out a millimeter per speech (it’s my body trying to shield me from the discomfort).
In other news, it finally happened, I almost cracked my skull on the new indoor hammock. I decided it reasonable to stand up in the middle of it to fuck with the malfunctioning ceiling fan. Crash, boom, all of that at about 5am this morning (insomnia still, woke up at 4). Landed on my elbow with my full body weight, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die or have to have my elbow removed. Lesson: don’t be a fucking idiot. Also, don’t stand on a hammock, even if you’re cold and the fan is broken and you think you can fix it real quick.
Basically, the honeymoon is over. Between me and the hammock. [She says as she types while rocking in her lovely but not-without-risk hammock.] But check out my “O-face”:
I still love you, my hammock; my friend.
I have work to do today. I’m doing the “Internet and Politics” lecture Part II tomorrow. I can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they don’t give a shit. Well, they’re GOING TO after this next assignment. [LOLSTATEMENT].
Today I will eat my coffee (that vanilla creamer is so good but I’m fairly certain that it’s giving me cancer), eat, make slides, do research work because I have made an insane career decision, and possibly make another video. So apologies in advance for the video. Have a pleasant day, my little twat tacos! <333
Filed under: bleeding, fashion, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
Yeah, that’s right. It was karaoke night, and I was drinking my Applebee’s meal while seated near the finest of gentlemen and scholars. If you were to ask what I was doing at A-Bee’s on their weekly “W.T. Extreme” night, I would respond by telling you to STAY FOCUSED and don’t bother me about it right now.
Anyway, that Toby Keith man (your spiritual advisor and mine) has this song, right. It’s that one, the one about putting a boot up yer ass under certain conditions and such. What I overheard from the young men regarding this song was so amazing [I live in Texas] that it led me to make some life decisions, regarding Applebees, “karaoke night”, and most people. What a shitty and condescending thing to say, huh. Well guess what I’m on my period. <3
Those pictures are entirely unrelated, but I’m fairly certain that you all know the drill here. They’re kinda borderline, huh. Best to publish them on the world wide webinator.
Teaching is going well, it is quite the shitload of work. I feel like I can’t say anything I really want to say about it, for fear of getting in twubble one day. Maybe I’ll password-protect a post and unleash. I have some other big news I’ll post about tomorrow, also! Yay I think! Some of you are going to roll your blog-reading-eyes when you find it out.
I am proud of this little outfit, mostly because it was so hard to construct. There are FOUR total loops in the middle of the top with which to basket-weave oneself into. And the back’s criss-cross maneuvering required two screwdrivers, one battery and a Miller Lite. Oh yeah, and I obviously bought an indoor hammock and THAT FUCKING RULES:
Filed under: embarrassing, farts, fashion, me me me, oh fuck, she-celebs, teaching, tv, working
Go ahead, ask me. I’ve been unable to sleep since 6AM and I have a tv in my bedroom, so I know what I’m talking about here. And DO NOT get me started on the FREE and BONUS Dial-O-Matic food slicer. It will cut up your food SO HARDCORE.
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Onwards and upwards, we’ll now discuss some of the more exotic and curious and, one might say, fucking ugly selections from some of my favorite sites. Why: Because it’s butass early for me to be awake, and I’m not doing anything else except watching that “Sex and the City” episode where Carrie cuts a fart in front of Mr. Big. So here we go:
Interesting. From the front, maybe okay, and especially if one is Wonder Woman and needs an updated pair of booties.
And now:
These, these… Fancy! This looks like a good running outfit.
Well I’ve been known to put together some rather fug fugliness myself, what with the confusing shorts [click for maximum confusion] and the so much pink:
I’m nervous about the teaching job. It’s not final until tomorrowish, because if some classes are cancelled due to low enrollment they’ll have to give my class to one of those profs. The dept. head told me it was 99%, but I would have preferred 100. UPDATE: I got the class (!!!), and it contains NINETY-THREE (93) STUDENTS. The other time I taught, it was only ten people. Excuse me, I need to go put on some more deodorant because I am heavily perspiring.
Either way, I think I’m going back into the PhD prog next Spring, so I’ll either be teaching or taking a chill job involving fries and if people would like cheese with that. I’m going to try and blog every day now, because it’s my version of leaving the house [which I refuse to do].
Finally, the utilities-meter-reading guy nearly gave me and my cat a fucking heart attack a second ago. Seeing a large shorts-with-boots-wearing man traipsing through my backyard makes me glad it’s not Naked Wednesday. [Just kidding, there is no Naked Wednesday. Not since my mom started abusing her privileges with the copy of my house key.]
I’m only teaching one class, an intro CS class that I’ve taught once before, but mainly: MY JOB HUNT IS OVER BEOTCHES. The money is enough, and I’ll be spewing my crazy twice a week in front of 83 people who are GOING TO BEGIN CARING ABOUT COMPUTER SCIENCE. Or else they will pay.
Class doesn’t start until 8/27. I’m so nervous that it’s making me gassy. Write more later, I have forms to fill out, beers to drink in celebration, and bbq’d hamburgers to eat. Oh yeah, they’re going to let me back into the PhD program in the Spring if I’d like! HMMMMMMMmmmmmm.
Filed under: denver, embarrassing, fashion, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, pug, trips, working
I’m giving an epic hour-long presentation tomorrow on some shit I know nothing about. So I’m looking forward to that.
Hey guys every time I buy a dress from Modcloth, they feel the need to throw in the weirdest of shit. Such as:
That is clearly a bear with a tape measure coming out of its mouth. Last time, the bonus was a giant pterodactyl necklace. Fuckin awesome?
Anyway, I’m driving to Denver tomorrow with the PUG after my public humiliation is over (the presentation, remember?). I’ll be cooped up in a motel most of the week with puggleton, so I’ll be making videos with the intent of majorly freaking you out.
I’m also being pressured to go White Water Rafting, and anyone who knows me knows that I do not like White Water, Rafting, or Being Outside. So you can expect some pics of me looking really pissed and wet.
Filed under: Tony Hawk, embarrassing, intertron, me me me, my oddities, oh fuck, pug, video games
Keyboard: 1 Angela: 0
Oh, where to begin with this shit. Those of you reading my noxious tumbling already know that I recently spilled red wine (from the finest of gas stations) all over my laptop keyboard. I have two degrees in Computer Science and have destroyed two computers in 3 months. HIGH FIVE.
The first one I took out as described here. This latest episode is more embarrassing.
SCENE: I’ve just finished watching “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”, and have decided to pretend that I am a retarded person. ? So I’m sitting cross-legged on the couch, glass of wine on the tray, and I take my left foot in my left hand, and start slapping it spastically against my right leg. Wine glass goes flying, and my keyboard is fucked (I was still optimistic at this point, though).
I tried rinsing it [removed from the machine, obv] and drying it in the sun, to no avail. Decided to try feeding it to my dog, or drop kicking it:
In the end, I bought an “invincible” and “magical” and “rubber” keyboard (USB). You can spill wine on it, roll it up in a ball, and generally hate all over it and everything will be just fine. I have done a demonstration for you below, and I look pretty stupid doing it:
More pics of this mess tomorrow on my tumblr. I post some fucking *bullshit* on that thing, but at a much higher frequency than over here. So if you want to hear about my every fart and indiscretion, or just hear me announce on a regular basis that I am playing Tony Hawk, eating spaghetti and scratching my ass, see there. <3 <3 <3. Cooterheads.
