*Gynecologist (Seems like all fun and games until you really think about the general population, or “genpop” if you used to watch Oz on HBO)
*Dog pound euthanizer
*Programmer (JK JK I’m probs gonna be doing that in 2 months, so future employers, know that I am kidding (I am not kidding))
Alright, your turn. Go nuts. I’m just freshly living alone, staring at the walls and watching chick movies, so prease to amuse me, guys. I’m so bored I even did all of my work WTF.
Also, I took comment approval off, I don’t think my ex is gonna be a dick about it. BUT WE SHALL SEE, WON’T WE.
And my FACE.
Remember when I almost cracked my skull on the hammock last September? I do, too. But bros, this time it wasn’t my fault, okay?:
Look at that shit. It can no longer support the 105 lbs. that is Halfassitude.
As we all know, I am a genius, so I’ll be shopping online for new hammocks today — while laying in the hammock. I just can’t quit you, thing that elevates me 3 feet off the air and sometimes hurts me. I hope this turns into a Tina Fey scar.
She is my idol. I would wife the shit out of her if I were gay.
Guys, do oysters have sex? Or do they make love. But seriously dudes, my google is broken or my fingertips are delicate and I still want to know how they reproduce. I’ve never seen “oyster penis” on any “Bizarre Foods” type of show, so I’m assuming the bebes arrive via stork.
I was facing a giant plate of raw oysters yesterday (with no penises – I checked), a situation I continue to put myself in only to grimace my way through. What other things sound good, but actually aren’t?
- Degree collecting
- Substituting powdered coffee creamer for milk in scrambled eggs or anything else
- Eating raw ginger
- Letting a pug sleep with you on the hammock (cause every time you need to get up, it’s precarious and like Pug Jenga — NOT a pug’s favorite game)
*I wore those candy-cane tights to work yesterday, and of course ran into my boss, his exec assistant, his mother, etc. They each seemed to be having conversation with my tights instead of with me. Just want 2 b me and wear authentic tights.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, eating food, fashion, hammock, people I would sleep with, pug
My week. Warning about the 50 or so f-bombs: there are 50 or so f-bombs.
It was the official beginning of my weekend and I was sauced on margaritas. Sry. <3
Filed under: farts, hammock, intertron, me me me, movies, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
I know I don’t have to explain this to you, because I am clearly one of the better Camera Artists of Our Time and you guys appreciate art. I can tell. But this piece, which I was moved to capture this morning, is entitled “Loneliness” because OBVS, just look at it, and also cause every joy has been sucked out of my life since I am also the Stupidest Decision Maker of Our Time.
Agenda for the first day of the rest of my life:
- Download more music because I am a moron who throws computers around and doesn’t back up her shit
- resolve my love/bored/confused relationship with Yo La Tengo, Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene
- figure out how to get Pandora to work WITH me and not AGAINST me (just cause I marked that I liked a song doesn’t mean I’m OBSESSED with it)
- Write an exam for the class test tomorrow
- Respond to 50 intermittent emails about why students can’t make the exam tomorrow due to recent bodily harm
- Thrash around on the hammock and complain for 30 minutes before I start my research (for MEETING tomorrow, h8 meetings 4 lyfe just everyone leave me alone)
Dudes, I just ate my morning fatgirl tacos, and guess what:
I don’t feel so good and I’m way tired. Howevs, today I have to write an hour-long lecture on spamdexing or some shit for tomorrow’s class, then do research for Scary Meeting on Friday, and also get in at least 30 minutes of wall-staring. :(
I suppose I will make a list:
Pros: I am tired, I am already in the hammock and my pug is here sleeping so WHY CAN’T I, and also I have a lot of work right now.
Cons: I already had some coffee, I have to wake up early tomorrow so I should rilly not stay up till one tonight, and I have so much fucking work to do today
Clearly, the Pros have it. Why does it seem like someone’s grandma hacked into my blog and created this post. This is like the gayest post ever.
Did I somehow channel ANS with a mixture of the flu, a margarita, beer, and a birthday?
Filed under: eating food, embarrassing, fashion, hammock, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, working
Fuck. I just stayed there on the ground. I didn’t even get up for a while. Then I mumbled half the lecture, let class out early, and relived the whole thing for the rest of the day. THIS WILL BE ADDED TO MY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REEL IMMEDIATELY. There is an interesting detail about this that I can’t share here, but I’ll email a few of you and tell. It makes things exponentially worse, it was situational and unfortunate and I usually don’t roll like this, but if you have a creative mind you can probably figure it out.
So obviously, TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I have a 5-page technical paper to write and submit for a conference by tomorrow at midnight, and I found out about it yesterday evening. Just got home after having most of my writing shit-canned by my advisor, now settling into the hammock to continue writing gently into that good night. Poured a glass of red and eating ’sketti tonight for dinn, cause I deserve it after this skank-ass of a day.
I ordered this ring, though! Pretty gay, right? I’ll show you gay when it comes in on Thursday. I want the necklace too, but maybe I should quit being so retarded.
Filed under: MTV must die, eating food, embarrassing, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, politics, teaching, tv, working
Yes, for the THIRD time. I had thought that I could save all the homeless animals and Africans with a Master’s in CS, but after my “Summer of Negative Income”, I came to realize that no one in the non-profit field gives a shit about my programming skills. Also not considered was my ability to effectively do group-work with computer nerds, who happen to be virgins (info was volunteered), and who talk way too close to my face. *Note that those aren’t real classmates of mine, I wouldn’t do that. I was tempted, but I never would.
+ 
!= 
All my friends and my crazy Vietnamese mother think I’m making the wrong decision, mostly becaue I used to complain a lot about it. Well fuck, who wouldn’t. It’s fucking hard, yo. [LOL ever since I saw "The Wackness" (movie about a drug-dealing wigg with a heart of gold in the 90's), I keep saying "naw, dawg" or "yo what up with that hurricane", etc.] No one around me is amused. Probably a little embarrassed, too.
You know what embarrasses me? Those high-school PA-system speeches that students give when they are running for Student Council treasurer and what not. I’ve heard a lot of them recently because..well….I’ve been watching the MTV again. Anyway, I think I’ve gotten a lot meaner than I was in high school. I’m still really nice and always have been [My, don't we like ourself today?], but I feel that I would make much more fun (to close friends only, obv) than I did before. The speeches give me goosebumps and make all kinds of hairs on my body grow out a millimeter per speech (it’s my body trying to shield me from the discomfort).
In other news, it finally happened, I almost cracked my skull on the new indoor hammock. I decided it reasonable to stand up in the middle of it to fuck with the malfunctioning ceiling fan. Crash, boom, all of that at about 5am this morning (insomnia still, woke up at 4). Landed on my elbow with my full body weight, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die or have to have my elbow removed. Lesson: don’t be a fucking idiot. Also, don’t stand on a hammock, even if you’re cold and the fan is broken and you think you can fix it real quick.
Basically, the honeymoon is over. Between me and the hammock. [She says as she types while rocking in her lovely but not-without-risk hammock.] But check out my “O-face”:
I still love you, my hammock; my friend.
I have work to do today. I’m doing the “Internet and Politics” lecture Part II tomorrow. I can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they don’t give a shit. Well, they’re GOING TO after this next assignment. [LOLSTATEMENT].
Today I will eat my coffee (that vanilla creamer is so good but I’m fairly certain that it’s giving me cancer), eat, make slides, do research work because I have made an insane career decision, and possibly make another video. So apologies in advance for the video. Have a pleasant day, my little twat tacos! <333
Filed under: bleeding, fashion, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
Yeah, that’s right. It was karaoke night, and I was drinking my Applebee’s meal while seated near the finest of gentlemen and scholars. If you were to ask what I was doing at A-Bee’s on their weekly “W.T. Extreme” night, I would respond by telling you to STAY FOCUSED and don’t bother me about it right now.
Anyway, that Toby Keith man (your spiritual advisor and mine) has this song, right. It’s that one, the one about putting a boot up yer ass under certain conditions and such. What I overheard from the young men regarding this song was so amazing [I live in Texas] that it led me to make some life decisions, regarding Applebees, “karaoke night”, and most people. What a shitty and condescending thing to say, huh. Well guess what I’m on my period. <3
Those pictures are entirely unrelated, but I’m fairly certain that you all know the drill here. They’re kinda borderline, huh. Best to publish them on the world wide webinator.
Teaching is going well, it is quite the shitload of work. I feel like I can’t say anything I really want to say about it, for fear of getting in twubble one day. Maybe I’ll password-protect a post and unleash. I have some other big news I’ll post about tomorrow, also! Yay I think! Some of you are going to roll your blog-reading-eyes when you find it out.
I am proud of this little outfit, mostly because it was so hard to construct. There are FOUR total loops in the middle of the top with which to basket-weave oneself into. And the back’s criss-cross maneuvering required two screwdrivers, one battery and a Miller Lite. Oh yeah, and I obviously bought an indoor hammock and THAT FUCKING RULES:
