Fuck it, right? It was the only clean clothes that I had, so I put them on my body and HERE IT IS:
GO AHEAD, throw me out of bed for eating crackers. I ain’t care.
Filed under: fashion
Sure. If you want to make an ass out of yourself and work out dressed as a slippery zebra, I suppose that is alright, but won’t you sweat your ass off? Won’t you sweat it off 5 seconds after fighting a small WAR just to get the damn thing on?
1) I will run into one of my students. Fuck that.
2) Having to carry a heavy tray of drinks while wearing heels.
3) Consequently spilling beer on a ‘patron’ or whatever.
4) What if I get grossed?
5) Well, they’re not allowed to hug me unless they tip me $300. I wish that I were kidding. The interviewing manager instructed me on this.
I have to wear BLACK SLACKS, I don’t get it, but whatever. Why can’t I this?:
Okay, the one on the right is too extreme, but the one on the left is better than black fucking slacks. I stuffed the fuck out of my bra for the interview, and I haven’t put up recent pics lately, but I lost about 10 elbows since then and I’m just going to stuff my fucking bra.
Hey fuckers, how are you? I’m pissed because I have to do actual work today (grading and fixing class website and shit.)
My mom has some fucked up taste in shoez. Look at this shit:
WTF is that. No really, what is that. How does one walk in those things? My nose feels broken just thinking about it.
Yes, that is a can of chicken broth on my couch. That’s just how I roll, son. Chicken soup better be up on that couch by time I get home.
Should people who currently major in Women’s Studies be shot?
(JUST KIDDING, okay)
Did Matthew Broderick cheat on Sar Jess Park?
Cool:
Not Cool:
Will I ever take my Christmas Tree down? 5/7/2009: Still up.
Did I just commission someone to custom-make me these shoes? Should I be shot?
Filed under: bored, chillin today, embarrassing, fashion, pug, tv, video games, you
What’s that? You don’t care about this? Oh yes you do. [They're heeled jellies, btw.]
Contrary to the pug’s extreme rudeness, my feet do not stink. From the “Melissa” (shoe brand) website:
“A few years ago, to add to the melissa experience, the decision was made to infuse all melissa shoes with a sweet bubblegum smell. ”
K so the answer is obviously douchebag. Well anyway, here’s this:
The Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging! :(!
1) I had the Black Lung for 3 weeks, and so was unable to sleep on my right side.
2) Excessive staring (like most things, best done in moderation).
3) Been playing Wii Bowling so much that I have developed a rash on my throwing-arm. I admit this to you in confidence, so you are legally prohibited from making fun.
And now, Questions For My Twat Tacos:
a) What is the best movie/show you have seen in the past few?
b) What is the most embarrassing?
I ASSASSINATED that presentation.
Just kidding. But I didn’t die, vomit, OR start crying! Actually, I think I did pretty well for my first conference talk. OMFG PICTURZ:
Sorry I’ve been MIA! My connecting flight was canceled and other boring shit happened, but I’m back and holy crap did you guys see this last night? Or this? Or this?! [And thanks for the tights, Yipany!]
Filed under: Laura Linney's vagina, bored, chillin today, dating, fashion, intertron, you
Pisses me off. So I’m gonna keep it gangsta at http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com/. If it doesn’t change your life, you are made of stone.
***Other Breaking News***
-Sexual harrassment is alive and well this week! <333 inappropriateness in the workplace. I have FINALLY arrived.
-Guys, I can tell what your dick looks like by looking at your hands. I think.
-I challenge any one of you to wear a more obnoxious outfit. TO WORK. Prove it, and I’ll send you something in the mail. Good luck getting past the obnoxion of these shoes:
-This website looks like someone threw up all over it. Time to change it.
-If a cat keeps chillin’ at your doorstep, eats like he hasn’t been fed in 80 thousand years, and still has his nuts, does that mean he has no owner? Meaning, can I keep him? I’m asking.
-I have to give a talk at a conference in San Francisco next week. PROJECTILE VOMIT.
1) Find a napkin
2) Put it on
3) Pick out some weird shoes (key for distracting your question-asking opponents)
If you’re out of napkins, something like this’ll do:
That’s right. I just set women back 50 years. Tell me something new.
Dudes I have a doc appointment today, because I have pneumonia and I’m probably going to die. I decided it this morning. I swear there is fluid in my LUNGZ.
Only doc who would see me today is Creepy Large Samoan Man Doc who’s really into poking, prodding, and breathing on me. I foresee a Rape Shower this afternoon.
Usage:
“I was about to come to fruition, when the word ‘administrivia’ popped into my head and I couldn’t remember if it was a real word or not. Couldn’t get it back on the rails after that.”
So I ended up getting the blue shoes, they’re biodegradable like my red ones and I like to pretend that is why I bought them. They’re like ineffective rain boots, so that’s cool? Robert, Yipany, Master & Commander of Napkins, and Jen, you might wanna close your eyes now.
The rest of you didn’t vote like I axed, so I’m forced to bring him out again:
Why do you make me do it?
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
As in, will they make other people’s genitalia afraid of me?
Well I do not care. THEY WILL BE MINE. I am so super-cereal. I just don’t know what to wear them with. A really shiny trash bag?
J. K.’s. I’ll find something. Unrelatedily, I’ve decided to start chronicling all food items that enter my mouth each day. There’s a page for it here at .What.I.Ate.Today., and it’s linked to on the sidebar.
The upper-middle class mothers are up in arms because:
a) the grossly inequitable distribution of world resources
b) Darfur
c) their beautiful (nope) pics of exposed breast with baby mouth attached were removed from facebook.
The answer is neither “a” nor “b”, but this is making NATIONAL NEWS. They are fucking *pissed*, even thought it does violate facebook TOS to display your areola. The pic above does not even display full-on breasticle, so it is actually acceptable (as the term applies to legal sensibilities, not my own, yikes). But IT IS NOT ENOUGH. ”I MUST SHOW THE FULL-ON ACTION.”
Breast-feeding is good for baby. I don’t know if being punched in the face with a pic like this of a friend on facebook is going to change anyone’s mind about the topic.
*Granted, I have complained (as I was reminded by Sir Robert) about “My BANGZ needing to get the shit out my FACE”, and other such nonsense, but I’m not sitting on my living room floor and petitioning to have my post-preggo boob shoved in someone’s face. Maybe I’m just angsty today. I have to give an hour-long-talk for work on a really hard topic this Friday, and I’m concerned because as of today, I DON’T GET IT. Not even a little bit. Hopefully I will be fired?
MAY I ASK WHAT WAS UP WITH MY BANGS.
I don’t miss the 90’s (yes I do.) They don’t make lipstick that dark anymore. Also, I look kind of fat.
I’m in fucking Iowa. I’m getting in trouble for not putting up ornaments. I now have a vodka ginger ale that looketh like water [don't think I didn't drink on the plane.]
[Or at the airport bar. Relax, those glasses aren't all mine]
More to come later. I told Jen I’d make her a snow angel. If I chicken out, I’ll blame it on my cough. IT IS DAMN COLD UP HERE.
Don’t fuckin’ ask me. I dunno:
I even read the entire inside here? And it’s on pre-order until January wtf? It’s actually pretty great, considering my reading level is on par with that of a 3rd grader, but was it necessary for me to purchase the hardcover??? The grad school salary literally puts me under the federal poverty line. [Side note: my former 40-something boss once told me she "blacked out the other night" and "apparently ordered the Billy Joel Special Edition Box Set."]
**BREAKING NEWS** Yipany just delivered to me the ultimate, and ALSO a pair of shoes that defy the awesomeness of your mom. Pics of those to come soon, I’m outties tomorrow but will continue to blog FOR I WILL BE IN EFFING IOWA MINUS 7 DEGREES !$%#@%#
Book info here, in case you’re drunk and feel like pre-ordering a hardcover children’s book that will arrive post-January.
So I’m not sure what I was thinking with this one. I already has a job, and they are none too pleased w/my latest stunt.
I got a call to teach a couple of classes at the local community college, and I was like aight, let’s meet and see what’s up. What is up is that they need someone STAT, and what also is up is that my current employer is not exactly throwing a parade right now. BUT:
FTW I’m not teaching a class at the University next semester, just TA’ing (Teacher Assistant’ing) twice a week. The main concern is how it will interfere with my research. I would like to GTFO of this program one day and before I get hit by a bus or something.
After an epic convo with my boss this afternoon, I think I might could do all three. Final decision to come tomorrow. If my boss(es) DO NOT WANT, then I’ll post another pic tomorrow evening with sadface and two wine bottles indicating extreme disappointment instead of the joy you see above.
OMG T-Givingz 2oo8:
1) Uncle Robert* regaled us with tales of Istanbul in the 60’s, where you may:
a) wipe your butt with your finger, then have that fingernail cleaned and spritzed with perfume by a presumably very sad lady attendant, OR
b) participate in the “Wall of Spoons” method, where there’s this wall, and everyone has their own spoon.
Nice, right.
2) I started World War III, natch (see Fig. 4c). Not kidding, either. Sry. Can’t help it.
3) I decided to get a new T-Givz dress overnighted because I am a bratty little shithead (it’s below). My NEW FAVORITE CUST SRVC REP waived the overnight fee. I almost proposed. I’m standing on my ancient piano there. Know any elves? That shit needs tuned.
4) I had to watch the football >:O. Not cool, guys. Did not want.
FIg. 4c (via HRO (that linky not always so SFW))
How was your T-Givingz? I’ve been drinking way too much scotch lately/again. Hope I don’t grow a beard. Did you know you can put scotch in egg nog instead of whiskey? You totes can. Maybe that’s duh but I was pleasantly surprised.
*he’s not really anyone’s “Uncle”
