Maaaan, I was gonna go to this badass party w/my BFF Deanne, but I passed out cause I had taught all early-ass that morning. Omitting details, I ended up crashing for a nizzap, then woke up and had some wine => ended up agreeing to go to a VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) bar party with my PARENTS.
As if that weren’t enough, because it apparently WASN’T, I spent most of the night drinking wine and dancing with my own MOTHER. My step-dad wanted to die, I’m sure of it. I still managed to catch a MAJE hangover, which I’m nursing right now with hair-of-the-dog.
hi do you think I need to clean this? Last year:
As of this morning:
(Yes, that’s a pink wig. Don’t even worry about it.)
Update — one for depth measure:
It looks like shit. How many loads of laundry do you think that is? I’m actually going to clean it, so whoever guesses the closest gets something from me in the mail (liquid, gas or mineral).
There is no cure for embarrassment. Only avoidance. Or alcohol.
The single most embarrassing event I can think of? Passing a pouf in public. Cutting the cheese in Calcutta. The two worst-possible-evar-scenarios:
1) Audibly breaking wind in a group, and it very obviously came from YOU
2) Silently dropping a gnarly egg-bomb, and it’s just you and one other
Clearly, there are two options:
1) Acknowledge it: Make a joke, gracefully apologize, say “Whoops!” and quickly change the subject
2) DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE
I really don’t know what’s best. I think dying is pretty much the only feasible option.
When is the last/worst time this happened to you? OR ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING. You can change your name if you want. I’ll wait at least a week before I out you. :D I know the heaviness of the situation; it’s even worse than when my woman’s blood spotted on the butt of my jeans in junior high.
EDIT: Pussy farts are now included, since overnight you commenters have grown a modesty gene or something (blaming it on Queen Mother, Rev. Twatkin?)
Filed under: bored, chillin today, embarrassing, fashion, pug, tv, video games, you
What’s that? You don’t care about this? Oh yes you do. [They're heeled jellies, btw.]
Contrary to the pug’s extreme rudeness, my feet do not stink. From the “Melissa” (shoe brand) website:
“A few years ago, to add to the melissa experience, the decision was made to infuse all melissa shoes with a sweet bubblegum smell. ”
K so the answer is obviously douchebag. Well anyway, here’s this:
The Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging! :(!
1) I had the Black Lung for 3 weeks, and so was unable to sleep on my right side.
2) Excessive staring (like most things, best done in moderation).
3) Been playing Wii Bowling so much that I have developed a rash on my throwing-arm. I admit this to you in confidence, so you are legally prohibited from making fun.
And now, Questions For My Twat Tacos:
a) What is the best movie/show you have seen in the past few?
b) What is the most embarrassing?
***UPDATE: So I’m a big asshole for doing this, but look what arrived in my electronic mailboxz today. You see? I WAS NOT KIDDING***
Look, I know these “Ice Cream Socials” are like one of the top ten annoyances according to the children of Darfur, but allow me to be shitty and comprain about having to attend these fucking things.
You can’t really say, “No. No, I don’t really want to eat a bowl of ice cream in the middle of the fucking day with you guys. And honestly, I don’t understand why you would want to either, unless you have a badass metabolism or you’re 5.”
Know why you can’t say that? Because it seems uppity and rude, and unless you’re morbidly obese, no one will understand why you won’t just eat a fucking bowl of ice cream in the middle of the day. If it were like a once-a-year thing, fine, whatever, but it’s not. Plus the name is pretty up there with the cheesiness. ”Ice Cream Social, you guyz!!! Toot toot, All Aboard!” The expression on my face in reaction to that was a blank stare with lots of blinking (in the best case and I am guessing.)
Filed under: Pro-tips, embarrassing, farts, fashion, gross, old people, teaching, working, you
Shit just gets WAY too real in there. Thrice I have been privy to things of which I shall not speak. Talk about the clinical definition of awkward. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a guy, standing next to your boss at the urinal while both of you hold your thingies? Do you feel obligated to make small talk? :(
So I made a “What I Wore” feed over to the left, because IT NEVER ENDS, DOES IT. ”Vainglorious” redirects to here . Apparently God and I are getting a divorce (on the grounds of my forsaking him for my own image, always with the forsaking.)
The five-dollar answer:
(Thanks, Zerokewl!)
Filed under: embarrassing
Sometimes I’ll be going about my day, minding my business, when all of a sudden ”WHA’CHOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, WILLIS!” pops into my head.
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, Pro-tips, bored, chillin today, embarrassing, video games
When I was a younger little twatsprinkle, I conducted a lot of research (via Prodigy and America Online) on making my breasts grow larger by using my brain.
[yes -- recycled pic from this summer -- it's not as if my breasts have grown since]
I read that if you close your eyes and picture yourself topless in the sun, breasts buds would further blossom, because something about the tingling sensations that actually occur when your breasts grow due to teh puberties, yeah, none of this makes sense. But that is a true story. And obvs, it didn’t pan out.
So that was my life then, this is my life now. Jealous?!!?! No? :(
MAY I ASK WHAT WAS UP WITH MY BANGS.
I don’t miss the 90’s (yes I do.) They don’t make lipstick that dark anymore. Also, I look kind of fat.
Filed under: The Lord, dunnoes, embarrassing, he-celebs, old people, people I would sleep with
I have. 
Not pretty.
You GUYS. I started teaching a class at the community college today. The class is entitled: “How to Work the Computer Machine.” Mm-hm cereal.
For today’s lesson I identified the keyboard, mouse, and an output device known as the monitor. You may think I am joking; I am not.
My face hurts.
And Mr. Napkins was kind enough to replace Doris Day with the “modern” Doris Day: ME.
Gentlemen: With the cold season upon us, do you find that your breasticles have begun to itch? This would have to do with dry skin. Or one would hope.
Ladies: How bout you? Or do you own higher-quality undergarments that do not cause you to sneakily swipe at your breast during meetings and family dinners. Lace is OUT, I decree.
We all know that I don’t exactly “thrive” when forced to do something I don’t want to do. I generally act like a 5-year old in these situations, which is why I spend a lot of time at home. HOWEVS. Last night I tried to make an exception, and all things considered, I give myself a B minus.
Oh wells. I have an extremely hard time concealing my displeasure, to the point where it should be considered a legal retardation or handicap. I was good for about 2 hours, then it started leaking via facial expressions and “funny” [I thought they were funny] comments. YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
Filed under: embarrassing, fashion, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, working
Look. I just want you to be happy. See I even made this for you:
You’re welcome. I really painted that, btw. Last week and I did all of it myself. It’s yours and for only 5 dollars!
Option B: You tell me where you want to go. I get fixed up and ride along with you in the car. I read the directions off of my ass, then we arrive, and everyone has a nice time:
That is for 6 dollars.
Why? For one, I don’t think my paper will be submitted by midnight. I just got a funky email from my advisor, who was adding his parts and fixing my work and trying to get it in on time, but he was being all weird and using emoticons and shit. And not in a good way, but in a nervous or in an I-have-some-bad-news-for-you kind of way.
For two, I just get so pumped about teaching that I face plant on the carpet and give myself a third-degree rug burn (KNEE GASH) in front of the children.
The wide-eyed 19-yr old children, who felt so embarrassed for me that they sent me unsolicited emails all day to say that it wasn’t so bad or they’re sure my day will get better.
19-yr olds telling me to suck it up, that is why.
Filed under: eating food, embarrassing, fashion, hammock, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, working
Fuck. I just stayed there on the ground. I didn’t even get up for a while. Then I mumbled half the lecture, let class out early, and relived the whole thing for the rest of the day. THIS WILL BE ADDED TO MY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS REEL IMMEDIATELY. There is an interesting detail about this that I can’t share here, but I’ll email a few of you and tell. It makes things exponentially worse, it was situational and unfortunate and I usually don’t roll like this, but if you have a creative mind you can probably figure it out.
So obviously, TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I have a 5-page technical paper to write and submit for a conference by tomorrow at midnight, and I found out about it yesterday evening. Just got home after having most of my writing shit-canned by my advisor, now settling into the hammock to continue writing gently into that good night. Poured a glass of red and eating ’sketti tonight for dinn, cause I deserve it after this skank-ass of a day.
I ordered this ring, though! Pretty gay, right? I’ll show you gay when it comes in on Thursday. I want the necklace too, but maybe I should quit being so retarded.
I killed it in my meetings today, if by “killed it” you mean showing up 20 minutes late to a seminar presentation, and drawing boxes and lines spastically on a white board in the subsequent meeting. Then sharing that I did not get much sleep last night [sharing this is not good advice, don't fucking do that and if you accidentally did, change the subject and fast].
Next: There is a Dove-sponsored “School for Self-Esteem of Totally Normal Girls” that I just saw a commercial for. Oh, good! No. Seems like an insane waste of time and money. Maybe these girls just shouldn’t propagate if they already have issues. [This is different from a program where the children are disfigured or mentally something-or-other. The purpose here is to free normal girls who are at a healthy weight from the evil beauty stereotypes in magazines. Dove != Oprah and this promotion is overboard.]
When did I become so crotchety? Guess I’m just tired from busting ass all week. Today is beer, bbq, hammock, internet-for-pleasure-instead-of-programming, and buying the brightest tights online that I can find to cheer me up. Because I’m an asshole and things like that cheer me up.
Speaking of a-holes [I don't really think you guys are a-holes, just occasional twat blockers], THANKS for not voting on my thing like I asked earlier:
“Think you could do me a solid and vote in the comments regarding these two vids?
The first (apparentely boring) one is here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyjzOMSDa9g. The other one is at the blog post here, and the youtube link for it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qM53FJt9gNE.
I guess the clip here is clip A, and the other one is clip B. Thanks, I’m trying to win the Internet Moron 2008 award, and your feedback is invaluable. From all 2 of you.”
MikeTwatterson voted, so he is exempt from the following picture. As for the rest of you:
Filed under: MTV must die, eating food, embarrassing, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, politics, teaching, tv, working
Yes, for the THIRD time. I had thought that I could save all the homeless animals and Africans with a Master’s in CS, but after my “Summer of Negative Income”, I came to realize that no one in the non-profit field gives a shit about my programming skills. Also not considered was my ability to effectively do group-work with computer nerds, who happen to be virgins (info was volunteered), and who talk way too close to my face. *Note that those aren’t real classmates of mine, I wouldn’t do that. I was tempted, but I never would.
+ 
!= 
All my friends and my crazy Vietnamese mother think I’m making the wrong decision, mostly becaue I used to complain a lot about it. Well fuck, who wouldn’t. It’s fucking hard, yo. [LOL ever since I saw "The Wackness" (movie about a drug-dealing wigg with a heart of gold in the 90's), I keep saying "naw, dawg" or "yo what up with that hurricane", etc.] No one around me is amused. Probably a little embarrassed, too.
You know what embarrasses me? Those high-school PA-system speeches that students give when they are running for Student Council treasurer and what not. I’ve heard a lot of them recently because..well….I’ve been watching the MTV again. Anyway, I think I’ve gotten a lot meaner than I was in high school. I’m still really nice and always have been [My, don't we like ourself today?], but I feel that I would make much more fun (to close friends only, obv) than I did before. The speeches give me goosebumps and make all kinds of hairs on my body grow out a millimeter per speech (it’s my body trying to shield me from the discomfort).
In other news, it finally happened, I almost cracked my skull on the new indoor hammock. I decided it reasonable to stand up in the middle of it to fuck with the malfunctioning ceiling fan. Crash, boom, all of that at about 5am this morning (insomnia still, woke up at 4). Landed on my elbow with my full body weight, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die or have to have my elbow removed. Lesson: don’t be a fucking idiot. Also, don’t stand on a hammock, even if you’re cold and the fan is broken and you think you can fix it real quick.
Basically, the honeymoon is over. Between me and the hammock. [She says as she types while rocking in her lovely but not-without-risk hammock.] But check out my “O-face”:
I still love you, my hammock; my friend.
I have work to do today. I’m doing the “Internet and Politics” lecture Part II tomorrow. I can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they don’t give a shit. Well, they’re GOING TO after this next assignment. [LOLSTATEMENT].
Today I will eat my coffee (that vanilla creamer is so good but I’m fairly certain that it’s giving me cancer), eat, make slides, do research work because I have made an insane career decision, and possibly make another video. So apologies in advance for the video. Have a pleasant day, my little twat tacos! <333
