- The sound of the drawer opening. Obligatory protestation. The sound of the condom being torn open.
- The thoughts going through your head those 5 seconds. Laying, waiting, thinking…
- Want someone to cut the crust off my sandwiches for me. #affection
- Don’t dip your pen in the vet office ink. Cause you have to go back to there on the regular, and especially when your cat has chemo. [Ed. Note: That's not him.]
- Egg whites. Running. Spaghetti noodles w/Velveeta and Rotel.
- I wonder who will be the next boy to love me? Luke Wilson? Gabriel Delahaye?
It was very hard for me. Having a bloody mary and fish noodle soup with my mom to make it better. I even cried, what the hell?
Also, leaning against his shoulder was a bad idea. I remembered each bone. But I still wanted to punch him in the face (dating a 20 yr old you idiot you’re 29, she’s not even done with her CORE CLASSES are you srs), and I lovingly gave him the bird as we parted ways after he made one of his trademark “comments”. Always with the “comments”, that guy. But we laughed over it and I wouldn’t get back with him unless he gave me a minimum of $15,552.
[Edit: BTW, that is a very odd combo (spicy bloody mary mix / vodka / soup with fish, pineapple, tomatoes, and celery). Actually, that sounds like the best combo. I want a REDO. Sadly, I must actually....BRACE FOR IT....go in to WORK today and teach the little rugrats. The 60-yr old rugrats. ::hides in closet::]
As you all know and are tired of hearing about, I just broke up with my dude. DUH. Well I’ve been keeping the fuck busy, but hangin’ with my girls and drinking the ackahol so much can’t remain a permanent thing. I need a damn hobby. Ideas, please. I’m being cereal for once, tell me what to do with myself, I only teach on Mon & Wed, and with my other time I swim but I’m getting so tan that people are beginning to question my ethnicity.
It has been suggested to me that I exercise, and I have a Wii Fit, but we all know that is complete bullshit. I’ve been told to power walk, but….
No one has ever power walked and looked hot doing it. NO ONE. Do not argue with me on this. And I’m a singleton now, so I need to look hot 24/7, naw mean? Can’t be cock blocking (or twat swatting if you will) my own damn self, that’s other people’s job.
So give me some hobbies? I do need to exercise, though. Maybe I will post a vid of myself doing the Wii fit hula hoop workout. Not in my panties though like the others circulating round the net, sorry guys but my parents are still alive.
Really, it’s a fucking blast. Jk it is pure unadulterated hell sometimes even when it’s mostly mutual.
I bought these tacky ass hearts that feel like gummy bears, and I put them on my window. They’re making me feel better.
when JenEffect and I hang out…
I eat your queso. I eat it up!
There is some queso in me. I want no one else to have it. I hate most people.
We are fucking pigz.
I want to buy her things, and cook for her, and laugh and cry with her, and sing Sweet Home Alabama with her, forever and ever, Amen.
Dear Tony: I have a few questions. My D.O.B. is 3-19-63. Have I lived before? Was I a wicked person in my past life? Is that why everything is upside down now? — Nina A.
Dear Nina: Yes and no. — Tony Leggett
HHAAHAHAHA. Give this man some more money. He is the best at psychic healing. Nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
When she does the whole, “Just sit back, and relax, and let us get you informed here, that’s our job, ok?”
I get a little warm inside.
Oh yeah, and titty slip:
There is no cure for embarrassment. Only avoidance. Or alcohol.
The single most embarrassing event I can think of? Passing a pouf in public. Cutting the cheese in Calcutta. The two worst-possible-evar-scenarios:
1) Audibly breaking wind in a group, and it very obviously came from YOU
2) Silently dropping a gnarly egg-bomb, and it’s just you and one other
Clearly, there are two options:
1) Acknowledge it: Make a joke, gracefully apologize, say “Whoops!” and quickly change the subject
2) DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE
I really don’t know what’s best. I think dying is pretty much the only feasible option.
When is the last/worst time this happened to you? OR ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING. You can change your name if you want. I’ll wait at least a week before I out you. :D I know the heaviness of the situation; it’s even worse than when my woman’s blood spotted on the butt of my jeans in junior high.
EDIT: Pussy farts are now included, since overnight you commenters have grown a modesty gene or something (blaming it on Queen Mother, Rev. Twatkin?)
Filed under: Laura Linney's vagina, bored, chillin today, dating, fashion, intertron, you
Pisses me off. So I’m gonna keep it gangsta at http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com/. If it doesn’t change your life, you are made of stone.
***Other Breaking News***
-Sexual harrassment is alive and well this week! <333 inappropriateness in the workplace. I have FINALLY arrived.
-Guys, I can tell what your dick looks like by looking at your hands. I think.
-I challenge any one of you to wear a more obnoxious outfit. TO WORK. Prove it, and I’ll send you something in the mail. Good luck getting past the obnoxion of these shoes:
-This website looks like someone threw up all over it. Time to change it.
-If a cat keeps chillin’ at your doorstep, eats like he hasn’t been fed in 80 thousand years, and still has his nuts, does that mean he has no owner? Meaning, can I keep him? I’m asking.
-I have to give a talk at a conference in San Francisco next week. PROJECTILE VOMIT.
Fucked Me Right Up - Sean Hayes
“Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.”
He literally says this 24x in a row. Excellent. He does not give an EFF.
Coming up next: I bought some crazy-ass shit today. It involves eggs, things that light up, and the fact that I am an idiot. I’ll put a vid up soon.
As in, will they make other people’s genitalia afraid of me?
Well I do not care. THEY WILL BE MINE. I am so super-cereal. I just don’t know what to wear them with. A really shiny trash bag?
J. K.’s. I’ll find something. Unrelatedily, I’ve decided to start chronicling all food items that enter my mouth each day. There’s a page for it here at .What.I.Ate.Today., and it’s linked to on the sidebar.
That, my peeps, is what this clam-flavored beer tastes like. Real talk. I know I said I would make a vid of myself drinking it, but I honestly can’t get beyond one sip and you’ll just have to take my written word for it.
I don’t know this poor human male, but that’s what one looks like while tasting a delicate blend of sweat and menstrual blood.
That also happens to be the lyrics to one my favorite songs — THX, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.
Level III Commenter, Professor Napkin, has managed to freak everyone out with his tendency to “shampoo the goldfish”. I will do my best to help.
My ideas on his usage:
Scene: INT. OFFICE. DAY.
[ring ring]
Nakkins: Hullo, Prof. Napkin here. What do you fancy? I live in London.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Want to see a British movie tonight?
Nakkins: Uh, right. See, the thing about it is I’m busy. I have to shampoo the goldfish.
Lady stalking Nakkins: Understandable. I’ll not call again. Or I might kill you.
My ideas on proper usage:
Scene: INT. KITCHEN. MORNING.
Teen: Yo whatup Mom. Ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?
Mom: Sounds like someone needs to shampoo the goldfish.
Our Date
1) You buy me raw oysters. I impress you and tell you not to bother looking for an oyster’s penis; it’s not there. I explain to you the “gonads” situation, leaving out that I learned all of this from one of my commenters.
2) I attempt to eat a raw oyster and promptly vomit. You gently tease me as you clean up the mess.
3) You sit and watch me drink, a la Rufus Wainwright: 14th Street
4) We go to my home and play outdated video games on my PS2 (Tony Hawk, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas) as we watch The Learning Channel on the second tv.
5) I show you the cutest dresses I’ve found online last week. You are thrilled and provide meaningful feedback.
6) THE END. Your ride arrives and takes you back to the institution.
If he has a biblical name, inquire after his siblings. Try to find out their names. If they are also biblical, well there you go. High Information Content.
*does not apply to Jewish Given Names
