A pictorial:
Wine flight: The one in the middle-ish is the one described as tobacco and raw meat, I THINK
Smoked Salmon, cream cheese, mozzarella and capers pizza. And lot of crushed red pepper.
Not kidding, you guys!
Maaaan, I was gonna go to this badass party w/my BFF Deanne, but I passed out cause I had taught all early-ass that morning. Omitting details, I ended up crashing for a nizzap, then woke up and had some wine => ended up agreeing to go to a VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) bar party with my PARENTS.
As if that weren’t enough, because it apparently WASN’T, I spent most of the night drinking wine and dancing with my own MOTHER. My step-dad wanted to die, I’m sure of it. I still managed to catch a MAJE hangover, which I’m nursing right now with hair-of-the-dog.
- me: I feel fat from last night
- w/the pizza incident
- Jessamin: i wish i was super lifted
- me: come over
- Jessamin: that’s ridic
- me: you’re ridic
- Jessamin: i’m totes chattng w/ you in a weekly meeting
- me: hahahahaa
- Jessamin: i mean i’m in a meeting
- me: great job
- no I get it Jessmina
- Jesmmina Louise
- how are things?
- me: I SAID HOW THE FUCK ARE THINGS
- Jessamin: fuck you angela i’m trying to chat surreptitiously
- me: o. k then. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
- hey I’m gonna go to the kitchen and start breaking plates now, brb
- Jessamin: ok
- there are 4 peeps here and they can all totes see i’m on gmail, chatting
- howtf can you eat a whole pizza
- me: like they say in Miami don’t stop get it get it
- I don’t know what happened to me
- I EVEN CALLED THEM AND MADE THEM COME BACK AND BRING ME MORE GARLIC BUTTER SAUCE
- Jessamin: i think you might inspire me to go back to school
- me: dude
- pls don’t.
- I am soooo fucking mis with that shit
- and we’re gonna be steady bitching with each other
- and the PPL
- the fucking PPL
- we have had many a convo about this, when one of his been in and the other out, and vice versa, but why are you considering it cause I fucking hate my life
- Jessamin: haha
- me:
- Jessamin: thanks for talking me off the ledge
- me: I luv you is why I say this
- get the FUCK off that damn ledge
- <3
- me: I’m going to get laid tonight, Jessamin.
Look, I don’t know what this TwitterMoms.com is, and I don’t want to, either. But how is pot the new pilates? I can guess that they’re saying, Moms, stop doing pilates and just smoke pot. So whatever. If you twatsprinks wanna look into it, keep us updated because I can’t bring myself to go to that website. It sounds horrible.
So I was misbehaving at work the other day (duh), and got like mega intoxicated because of an old hispanic man who kept pouring Goldshlagger down my throat. I supposedly was thinking, “Good I’m really making this place of business a nice profit”, or maybe I was thinking “Goldshlagger! Cool!” Anyway, my mid-level manager saved me from the GM, who wanted to fire my ass. I just have to take “fake shots” from now on that are like koolaid and shit, but the customers think I’m steady drinkin’.
Not drinking there is for the best, anyway, I have to drive home really late at night and do we all remember my little “incident”? I’m both Azn and a Woman, so I’ve already got two strikes against me with the whole “driving” thing. Also, I’m not really feelin’ the club enviornment lately, hope I can stop doing this soon. For now, the money is good and I’m just happy that I didn’t get my dumbass fired. Yet.
[Edit: from the comments section by @fartknocker or @fartboner or something, try this http://lmgtfy.com/ and do an actual query, it made me rofl till I vommed. "rofltiv"?]
I have renamed this vid “FML”. And no, that is not me. What’s really funny is that I referenced my own little “incident”, as does she and I hadn’t even seen the vid yet. Again, FML.
1) I will run into one of my students. Fuck that.
2) Having to carry a heavy tray of drinks while wearing heels.
3) Consequently spilling beer on a ‘patron’ or whatever.
4) What if I get grossed?
5) Well, they’re not allowed to hug me unless they tip me $300. I wish that I were kidding. The interviewing manager instructed me on this.
I have to wear BLACK SLACKS, I don’t get it, but whatever. Why can’t I this?:
Okay, the one on the right is too extreme, but the one on the left is better than black fucking slacks. I stuffed the fuck out of my bra for the interview, and I haven’t put up recent pics lately, but I lost about 10 elbows since then and I’m just going to stuff my fucking bra.
I’ve decided that if I ever have a little girl, I will name her Mohammed Mohammed. Just to fuck with her.
What would you guys name my kid? I assume that she will have a shitty personality and that she’ll probably be a big slut, just like her mother. Just kidding, you guys know I’m still a virgin. I keep telling you so.
As you all know and are tired of hearing about, I just broke up with my dude. DUH. Well I’ve been keeping the fuck busy, but hangin’ with my girls and drinking the ackahol so much can’t remain a permanent thing. I need a damn hobby. Ideas, please. I’m being cereal for once, tell me what to do with myself, I only teach on Mon & Wed, and with my other time I swim but I’m getting so tan that people are beginning to question my ethnicity.
It has been suggested to me that I exercise, and I have a Wii Fit, but we all know that is complete bullshit. I’ve been told to power walk, but….
No one has ever power walked and looked hot doing it. NO ONE. Do not argue with me on this. And I’m a singleton now, so I need to look hot 24/7, naw mean? Can’t be cock blocking (or twat swatting if you will) my own damn self, that’s other people’s job.
So give me some hobbies? I do need to exercise, though. Maybe I will post a vid of myself doing the Wii fit hula hoop workout. Not in my panties though like the others circulating round the net, sorry guys but my parents are still alive.
*Gynecologist (Seems like all fun and games until you really think about the general population, or “genpop” if you used to watch Oz on HBO)
*Dog pound euthanizer
*Programmer (JK JK I’m probs gonna be doing that in 2 months, so future employers, know that I am kidding (I am not kidding))
Alright, your turn. Go nuts. I’m just freshly living alone, staring at the walls and watching chick movies, so prease to amuse me, guys. I’m so bored I even did all of my work WTF.
Also, I took comment approval off, I don’t think my ex is gonna be a dick about it. BUT WE SHALL SEE, WON’T WE.
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, bored, chillin today, cool music, me me me
Oh yeah and LL’s breasts (Semi-SFW):
Yeah, I’m recycling my blog shit now. You gotta cut me some slack cause I’m going through some bullshit but I still wanna talk to you guys. So emo it hurts, lol.
Remember that stupid-ass “Guess how many loads of laundry my fucking room has” contest I subjected you guys to? Well, commenter “Blacknapkin” (he has several other aliases, such as: Reverened Twatking, Lord and Lady Twatkin, etc. lol cause is he a fucking NUT and I just love him so much) — anyway, that was a hell of a bad sentence, so I’ll just say that “Black Napkin” won in an email submission.
He actually lives in UK, but I ordred the “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” dvd from amazon.co.uk and he and his family fucking loved it. Which makes me soooo happy, bc I’ve probably seen it about 50 times myself.
Anyway, here are pics here very kindly snapped of him receiving the movie in the mail. Contragulations my darling BlackNapkin!
For everyone else, I know I haven’t been blogging lately, or like fucking AT ALL, since school started. That’ll change, probably post again today. Teaching an actual programming class is harder than teaching a “Microsoft Word applications” class, but it’s actually really fun, dare I shat it maybe even rules? Cray, right.
Not complaining about that like some little shithead, just saying, I’m more hungover than your mom the day after you were conceived.
Also, my boss is pretty far up my asshole this weekend about getting the course website completely in order before classes start on Monday. So I’ll be working when I can.
Here’s a quickie pic of pug at the beach, more pics to come today. YOU CAN ACT FASCINATED NOW.
From menses, of course. Stringy ones provide a whip effect.
Filed under: chillin today
Excuse this. Programming joke for the nerdz.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, embarrassing, fashion, pug, tv, video games, you
What’s that? You don’t care about this? Oh yes you do. [They're heeled jellies, btw.]
Contrary to the pug’s extreme rudeness, my feet do not stink. From the “Melissa” (shoe brand) website:
“A few years ago, to add to the melissa experience, the decision was made to infuse all melissa shoes with a sweet bubblegum smell. ”
K so the answer is obviously douchebag. Well anyway, here’s this:
The Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging! :(!
1) I had the Black Lung for 3 weeks, and so was unable to sleep on my right side.
2) Excessive staring (like most things, best done in moderation).
3) Been playing Wii Bowling so much that I have developed a rash on my throwing-arm. I admit this to you in confidence, so you are legally prohibited from making fun.
And now, Questions For My Twat Tacos:
a) What is the best movie/show you have seen in the past few?
b) What is the most embarrassing?
I ASSASSINATED that presentation.
Just kidding. But I didn’t die, vomit, OR start crying! Actually, I think I did pretty well for my first conference talk. OMFG PICTURZ:
Sorry I’ve been MIA! My connecting flight was canceled and other boring shit happened, but I’m back and holy crap did you guys see this last night? Or this? Or this?! [And thanks for the tights, Yipany!]
Filed under: Laura Linney's vagina, bored, chillin today, dating, fashion, intertron, you
Pisses me off. So I’m gonna keep it gangsta at http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com/. If it doesn’t change your life, you are made of stone.
***Other Breaking News***
-Sexual harrassment is alive and well this week! <333 inappropriateness in the workplace. I have FINALLY arrived.
-Guys, I can tell what your dick looks like by looking at your hands. I think.
-I challenge any one of you to wear a more obnoxious outfit. TO WORK. Prove it, and I’ll send you something in the mail. Good luck getting past the obnoxion of these shoes:
-This website looks like someone threw up all over it. Time to change it.
-If a cat keeps chillin’ at your doorstep, eats like he hasn’t been fed in 80 thousand years, and still has his nuts, does that mean he has no owner? Meaning, can I keep him? I’m asking.
-I have to give a talk at a conference in San Francisco next week. PROJECTILE VOMIT.
Scene: EXT. WALGREEN’S PARKING LOT. DAY.
Halfassitude walks toward the entrance and notices that an annoying little lady has set up an annoying little table out front.
LADY: Hello, have you heard of the D.A.R.E. program?!!!?! 
?
HALFASSITUDE: Yes. Yes I have.
LADY: Would you like to take a moment to look at all this shit on my table and buy something to help?
HALFASSITUDE: No thanks. I like drugs.
LADY: 
—————————————
So I proceed to do my shoppings, all the while LOL’ing in my head, until I realize that I have to cross paths with Lady again on the way out. I smiled at her; she looked at me. Then her phone rang with some hip-hop ringtone and it was over.
~fin~
Oh, and D.A.R.E.?
1999 called. It wants its web design back.
Fucked Me Right Up - Sean Hayes
“Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.”
He literally says this 24x in a row. Excellent. He does not give an EFF.
Coming up next: I bought some crazy-ass shit today. It involves eggs, things that light up, and the fact that I am an idiot. I’ll put a vid up soon.
So he got dropped from Kellog. Who fucking cares.
I AM GETTING CROTCHETY AND OLD. I don’t think I used to bitch so much about everything. Isn’t this what really old people do?
So I tried not to look at this while I ate my dinner last night:
I’m not really into tentacles. At all. Would you describe something as “tenticular”, “betentacled”, or “awash with tentacle”?
