*Gynecologist (Seems like all fun and games until you really think about the general population, or “genpop” if you used to watch Oz on HBO)
*Dog pound euthanizer
*Programmer (JK JK I’m probs gonna be doing that in 2 months, so future employers, know that I am kidding (I am not kidding))
Alright, your turn. Go nuts. I’m just freshly living alone, staring at the walls and watching chick movies, so prease to amuse me, guys. I’m so bored I even did all of my work WTF.
Also, I took comment approval off, I don’t think my ex is gonna be a dick about it. BUT WE SHALL SEE, WON’T WE.
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, bored, chillin today, cool music, me me me
Oh yeah and LL’s breasts (Semi-SFW):
Yeah, I’m recycling my blog shit now. You gotta cut me some slack cause I’m going through some bullshit but I still wanna talk to you guys. So emo it hurts, lol.
I want to buy her things, and cook for her, and laugh and cry with her, and sing Sweet Home Alabama with her, forever and ever, Amen.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, embarrassing, fashion, pug, tv, video games, you
What’s that? You don’t care about this? Oh yes you do. [They're heeled jellies, btw.]
Contrary to the pug’s extreme rudeness, my feet do not stink. From the “Melissa” (shoe brand) website:
“A few years ago, to add to the melissa experience, the decision was made to infuse all melissa shoes with a sweet bubblegum smell. ”
K so the answer is obviously douchebag. Well anyway, here’s this:
The Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging! :(!
1) I had the Black Lung for 3 weeks, and so was unable to sleep on my right side.
2) Excessive staring (like most things, best done in moderation).
3) Been playing Wii Bowling so much that I have developed a rash on my throwing-arm. I admit this to you in confidence, so you are legally prohibited from making fun.
And now, Questions For My Twat Tacos:
a) What is the best movie/show you have seen in the past few?
b) What is the most embarrassing?
Filed under: Laura Linney's vagina, bored, chillin today, dating, fashion, intertron, you
Pisses me off. So I’m gonna keep it gangsta at http://fuglyshoes.tumblr.com/. If it doesn’t change your life, you are made of stone.
***Other Breaking News***
-Sexual harrassment is alive and well this week! <333 inappropriateness in the workplace. I have FINALLY arrived.
-Guys, I can tell what your dick looks like by looking at your hands. I think.
-I challenge any one of you to wear a more obnoxious outfit. TO WORK. Prove it, and I’ll send you something in the mail. Good luck getting past the obnoxion of these shoes:
-This website looks like someone threw up all over it. Time to change it.
-If a cat keeps chillin’ at your doorstep, eats like he hasn’t been fed in 80 thousand years, and still has his nuts, does that mean he has no owner? Meaning, can I keep him? I’m asking.
-I have to give a talk at a conference in San Francisco next week. PROJECTILE VOMIT.
Well TOO BAD. Here goes, and it’s not’s good:
My vagina is borderline retarded 
. IQ scoring is considered as follows:
1) Why grow so much hair? I asked the intertron:
– The pubes catch and carry ’round your bodily funk (aka pheremones). If you find a dude with very different smelling pubes, you should probably hook up with him STAT, because your genetic differences will allow your potential rugrats to more effectively fight off disease.
*Why my vagina is stupid: I have no desire to have children, nor to smell your sticky pubes and quantify our differences. We have discussed this, vagina. FAIL.
-The pubes “importantly” keep our loins warm, which doesn’t make sense, since a male’s pubic hair is concentrated above the penile region, and not so much on the testes (depending on the testes in question, of course [I guess]).
*Why my vagina is stupid: it doesn’t catch colds, pretty much ever, and I think my reproductive organs are further up anyway [yes, I know you don't catch colds from weather, but I've never been like DAMN my vag is frozen like a bag of peas.]
2) Vaginas bleed on a regular basis, and if you think that is a hassle, multiply it by 1,000, then raise that to the power of infinity.
*Why my vagina is stupid: it bleeds buckets each month, even though I’ve told it time and time again that I will not be having a kid this month, next month, or any other month. I realize that there are methods for getting around this, but I’m wary of hormones and side effects of anything besides the pull-out method with a monogamous partner who has been thoroughly tested.
-Side note: The pull-out method is 100% effective.
3) The hair will ALWAYS grow back, in spite of any attempts at reason
*Why my vagina is stupid: you would really fucking think that it would catch on after 5 – 10 years of snipping or hacking away, but that is one stubborn vagina.
Guys? Anything comparable? You can’t beat the menstrual issue, sorry. Your only hope is to complain about tangling of your equipment and hairs. I can think of nothing else specific to your business.
On the bright side, some idiot on the internet (because I am clearly a genius contributor to the internet) suggests that “Pubic hair is an evolutionary adaptation for lathering your soap in the shower.” OK. I’ll concede this point. Well played, freak.
Filed under: Laura Linney's Breasts, Pro-tips, bored, chillin today, embarrassing, video games
When I was a younger little twatsprinkle, I conducted a lot of research (via Prodigy and America Online) on making my breasts grow larger by using my brain.
[yes -- recycled pic from this summer -- it's not as if my breasts have grown since]
I read that if you close your eyes and picture yourself topless in the sun, breasts buds would further blossom, because something about the tingling sensations that actually occur when your breasts grow due to teh puberties, yeah, none of this makes sense. But that is a true story. And obvs, it didn’t pan out.
So that was my life then, this is my life now. Jealous?!!?! No? :(
Filed under: Iowa, beer, bored, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, what a dick, you
OK guys: FLIGHT CANCELED. If I could bitch-slap the weather, I would.
I was so looking forward to NOT THIS. Since I am an emotional handicap, I’m pretty sure the entire airport knows I how I feel about my extended stay in Iowa.
Please, someone talk to me. I’ve already tried screaming SERENITY NOW!!!! but that pissed everyone off.
I’ve started drinking.
That smile was captured en route to the Airport of Sadness. It has been turned upside down. A couple-few more heinekens and we’ll right-side-it-up again.
Filed under: Iowa, bored, chillin today, eating food, farts, gross, mental, oh fuck, old people, scotch, trips, you
Relatively Constant Circumstances:
- Softwater
- Going ANTIQUING against one’s will. Oh yeah I am being super-cereal about this
- Where is the tobasco? Do I have to eat the fish eggs
- Can I put this down your garbage disposal / do you like your dishes in the dishwasher facing North? [AGAIN, super-cereal] / where do I put my empty glass bottle?
- Had to leave all my recreational “God made dirt => dir’t don’t hurt” plant life at home
- B&W movies, of which I don’t have an across-the-board prob with, but who watches “The Day the Earth Stood Still” in its original version when you have 20-something guests in your home?
- Sneaking alochol. Hoping no one planned to put scotch in their eggnog, as I have stolen and hidden it in the basement guestroom.
2) 
3) 
7)
Consequences of the Above C ircumstances
- I cannot get clean, no matter if I rinse long enough to freeze myself out when 6 other people are taking/have already taken showers. Filmy soap scum is an evil, slippery force.
- I’ll show you the rest of my “finds” shortly.
- I am not satiated. Not hardly. The W.T. in me doesn’t like fish eggs.
- I don’t want to be a pretentious dick about your refusal to recycle so let’s all get uncomfs when I ask where to put the empty glass .
- I could handle this whole thing in a more civil manner if I had some herbal assistance and had decided to bring my Wii. My lungs are sort of thanking me, though.
- Actually, who wants to see either version? OK, if you’re a guy with the guy retard gene, may-hap you wanna see the remake with KEANU. Full disclosure, I have the retarded chick gene that has caused me to watch Kate Hudson’s “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” 130492x.
- When there isn’t 50 people up in the kitchen, must spike whatever is on hand, and with a quickness.
Bonus glass of FAKE WINE of TRICKERY:
P.S. I hope you guys hearted your ecards if you requested one. If you still want one, send me an email at halfassitude at gmail. Wuv you guys, would rather hang out with you via interton any day.
I’m in fucking Iowa. I’m getting in trouble for not putting up ornaments. I now have a vodka ginger ale that looketh like water [don't think I didn't drink on the plane.]
[Or at the airport bar. Relax, those glasses aren't all mine]
More to come later. I told Jen I’d make her a snow angel. If I chicken out, I’ll blame it on my cough. IT IS DAMN COLD UP HERE.
Nearly every time I stop at a gas station betwixt the hours of 4 and 6pm, I see one or more blue-collar workers buying ONE large beer, +/- a lotto ticket.
I am confused about the cost / time efficiency of this, since isn’t it cheaper to buy in bulk? I do have my theories:
1) They go to each other’s houses on a rotating schedule, and it gets awkward or unevenly skewed when drinking the host’s beer.
2) They meet up with others at a parking lot or other outside venue, and they want their beer cold goddammit. And those insulated lunch-pack coolers with the strap look gay.
3) They drink it on the way home (most probable theory).
Instead of doing my real work today of which I have a shit-ton, I would like to tabulate the savings of buying at least a sixer of tallboys vs. this singleton nonsense. I’ll report my findings shortly.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, eating food, fashion, hammock, people I would sleep with, pug
My week. Warning about the 50 or so f-bombs: there are 50 or so f-bombs.
It was the official beginning of my weekend and I was sauced on margaritas. Sry. <3
Also I can’t set my fucking path right on this stupid computer machine. Do you know how much time I have wasted today? This whole “coming-in-to-work” cubicle thing is making me nuts. I’ve already spent half the day wandering around, peeing just in case I had to, buying a coffee, checking my upstairs mailbox that’s always empty, and investigating the marijuana scent I SWEAR I smelled outside but it was just this one plant with purple flowers.
Especially if purchased from the the price-inflating gas stations, and especially if you plan on drinking it. That Suze Orman organism is beginning to get to me. Bitch be makin’ me paranoid. Look, the cork wouldn’t even go back in (cause the wine is THAT BAD):
Mmm, can’t wait until noon. I think the saran-wrap-as-cork allows the spirit of the wine to mingle with the atmosphere in such a way that it is going to taste even more putrid. But tough times, they come-a-knockin’, and this American is ready and willing to answer the call. I think. I’ll let you know shortly.
Filed under: bored, chillin today, denver, eating food, intertron, me me me, oh fuck, trips, working
ASSHOLE ALERT: Whenever I see before me a tiny plate of over-priced food, e.g. GOAT CHEESE BALLS (referring to the shape and not the testicles), I am reminded that I am an ass. From my “Denver: Weight Gain 2000″ trip:
These were voted Denver’s “#1 Fried Cheese”. I vote them “Tasted Like Asshole”.
I thought I loved ANYTHING cheese. But as it turns out, I only like lower-middle class cheese, such as brie, extra-sharp cheddar (getting fancy), and I dunno, gorgonzola? This isn’t the first time I’ve tangled with the goat cheese. It just sounds good at the restaurant (what? it does to me), but then I order it and become very sad when I have to eat it.
Hey my paper was submitted! Go team! It is here [edit: email me if you want the link, as if you want the link] but you have to download it (suck), and believe me it is FASCINATING. If it’s accepted, I can go to the conference in San Fransisco and order more goat balls!
So I fucking. did it. again. with the laptop. Practically threw it on the ground this time, and it is fucked. Third laptop I have taken out in 4 months. NOT KIDDING (see here and here). Thankfully, I am borrowing one from school. Next time I buy one, I will store valued and irreplaceable data on it, then just shoot it directly in the face with a gun.
