Well, firsties, I’m so happy to be typing and breathing in and out! I canNOT believe I walked away from that shit in one halfassitudinous piece. Had to get stitches up in my knee shit.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
I am the sort of moron who is just happy that they had pink bandages. And small pic of the car cause I can’t bear the image:
Anyway, they had to give me an ultrasound to check for liver damage because blah blah blah, and while the technician was rubbin’ the thing up on my belly and looking inside of me, I was like, “Can you see the baby?” And his face was like, 
*oh noes!* I gave him about 5 seconds of terror, then said, JK. Fucker was a fast one and then asked me, “What if I had said yes?” ”Then I must be the next Virgin Mary.” (I’m a virgin you guys, duh.)
*Thanks for the “cheer up” socks you gave, Robert! You have awesome taste in socks! :) 
I wore the “cheer up” workout outfit today at the clinic, too! Comfy!
From menses, of course. Stringy ones provide a whip effect.
One really shouldn’t. It may cause one to make cunty-faced decisions.
Same goes for you males. Don’t think with someone else’s cunt. It’s a slippery slope.
Yeah, I’m about to drop an egg, can you tell? You’re lucky to not be around me, for those of you who don’t have to physically be around me . For the rest of you: sorries!
P.S. I’m going to the beach Fri-Sun, but I’ll be in my special “women’s” condition…..DO YOU THINK I WLL ATTRACT SHARKS?? I’m going to ‘pon it up, of course, but still….HA doesn’t want to get eaten this week. :(
And my FACE.
Remember when I almost cracked my skull on the hammock last September? I do, too. But bros, this time it wasn’t my fault, okay?:
Look at that shit. It can no longer support the 105 lbs. that is Halfassitude.
As we all know, I am a genius, so I’ll be shopping online for new hammocks today — while laying in the hammock. I just can’t quit you, thing that elevates me 3 feet off the air and sometimes hurts me. I hope this turns into a Tina Fey scar.
She is my idol. I would wife the shit out of her if I were gay.
That, my peeps, is what this clam-flavored beer tastes like. Real talk. I know I said I would make a vid of myself drinking it, but I honestly can’t get beyond one sip and you’ll just have to take my written word for it.
I don’t know this poor human male, but that’s what one looks like while tasting a delicate blend of sweat and menstrual blood.
That also happens to be the lyrics to one my favorite songs — THX, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
Dudes I am ovulating like whoa. Ready to drop this egg and get on with my shit already.
Know where the worst place to bleed is? A freezing cubicle with a plastic bag ‘o pads, sandwiches and wet-naps. Next person to come over here and speak to me gets his face removed.
I got some new boots, yo. Can’t fit into anything I else I just bought, due to the 10 LB’s I packed on since I started teaching. I’ve been going to McDonald’s 3x a week as a breakfast reward for waking up and going to a JOB. So now I can’t fit into clothes anymore. Like, any clothes. I have to swaddle myself in whatever fabrics I can rustle up in the morning and pin myself into.
Are we really doing this? Firstly,
I don’t wanna. I said no! Secondly, THE MENSTRUAL CUP:
Yeah. It’s like that. For long trips, extreme laziness and eco-friendly grossness.
[Sorry, male reader(s). I don't know what you're being societally pressured into right now, else I would report on it. Too-deep V-necks? Lemme know.]
Filed under: bleeding, fashion, hammock, me me me, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
Yeah, that’s right. It was karaoke night, and I was drinking my Applebee’s meal while seated near the finest of gentlemen and scholars. If you were to ask what I was doing at A-Bee’s on their weekly “W.T. Extreme” night, I would respond by telling you to STAY FOCUSED and don’t bother me about it right now.
Anyway, that Toby Keith man (your spiritual advisor and mine) has this song, right. It’s that one, the one about putting a boot up yer ass under certain conditions and such. What I overheard from the young men regarding this song was so amazing [I live in Texas] that it led me to make some life decisions, regarding Applebees, “karaoke night”, and most people. What a shitty and condescending thing to say, huh. Well guess what I’m on my period. <3
Those pictures are entirely unrelated, but I’m fairly certain that you all know the drill here. They’re kinda borderline, huh. Best to publish them on the world wide webinator.
Teaching is going well, it is quite the shitload of work. I feel like I can’t say anything I really want to say about it, for fear of getting in twubble one day. Maybe I’ll password-protect a post and unleash. I have some other big news I’ll post about tomorrow, also! Yay I think! Some of you are going to roll your blog-reading-eyes when you find it out.
I am proud of this little outfit, mostly because it was so hard to construct. There are FOUR total loops in the middle of the top with which to basket-weave oneself into. And the back’s criss-cross maneuvering required two screwdrivers, one battery and a Miller Lite. Oh yeah, and I obviously bought an indoor hammock and THAT FUCKING RULES:
Filed under: bleeding, eating food, fashion, me me me, movies, oh fuck, old people, working
Drugstore-Pharmacy parking lots. Am I right, people? I normally like the elderly, BUT NOT WHEN I AM ON MY PERIOD.
I could tell you about my latest job prospects, but more important that I share the latest in NECKLACES THAT I NEED:
They call this the “popsicle” necklace. Do you know why? I don’t. I’ve never encountered a popsicle with sprinkles, so I have decided it is a delicious ice cream bar.
As I am currently living off of my savings = “ha! ha! ha!”, this one has been added, along with the others, to failnecklaces.com/chipmunkfart.
Okay twatlettes you know I wouldn’t leave you without a gratuitous shot of ME ME ME. I can be found in this position for most of the day now because UNEMPLOYMENT RULES.
The jobs I’m looking at are Rescue Coordinator for the city pound (they’re trying to go “no-kill” by 2012, they currently kill shitloads every day), and “Make-a-Wish” Foundation Program Director. These have zero to do with my Computah School background, but I’m applying anyway. I’m just happy knowing someone out there is reading my application and laughing at me.
ME THEN………………………..ME NOW:
MOVING RIGHT ALONG, today’s viewing assignment is below. If you bore easily or you’re running late for something or you don’t care about me, skip to the 0:27 mark. It’s a documentary about high school debate teams who act insane.
I wonder if that screaming blonde chick is embarrassed. I would be. But she’s probably not unemployed like me. She’s probably screaming at someone somewhere.
Okay that’s enough. It is now TACO TIME.
