Filed under: bored, chillin today, eating food, fashion, hammock, people I would sleep with, pug
My week. Warning about the 50 or so f-bombs: there are 50 or so f-bombs.
It was the official beginning of my weekend and I was sauced on margaritas. Sry. <3
Filed under: farts, hammock, intertron, me me me, movies, oh fuck, teaching, what a dick, working
I know I don’t have to explain this to you, because I am clearly one of the better Camera Artists of Our Time and you guys appreciate art. I can tell. But this piece, which I was moved to capture this morning, is entitled “Loneliness” because OBVS, just look at it, and also cause every joy has been sucked out of my life since I am also the Stupidest Decision Maker of Our Time.
Agenda for the first day of the rest of my life:
- Download more music because I am a moron who throws computers around and doesn’t back up her shit
- resolve my love/bored/confused relationship with Yo La Tengo, Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene
- figure out how to get Pandora to work WITH me and not AGAINST me (just cause I marked that I liked a song doesn’t mean I’m OBSESSED with it)
- Write an exam for the class test tomorrow
- Respond to 50 intermittent emails about why students can’t make the exam tomorrow due to recent bodily harm
- Thrash around on the hammock and complain for 30 minutes before I start my research (for MEETING tomorrow, h8 meetings 4 lyfe just everyone leave me alone)
Also I can’t set my fucking path right on this stupid computer machine. Do you know how much time I have wasted today? This whole “coming-in-to-work” cubicle thing is making me nuts. I’ve already spent half the day wandering around, peeing just in case I had to, buying a coffee, checking my upstairs mailbox that’s always empty, and investigating the marijuana scent I SWEAR I smelled outside but it was just this one plant with purple flowers.
Dudes I am ovulating like whoa. Ready to drop this egg and get on with my shit already.
Know where the worst place to bleed is? A freezing cubicle with a plastic bag ‘o pads, sandwiches and wet-naps. Next person to come over here and speak to me gets his face removed.
I got some new boots, yo. Can’t fit into anything I else I just bought, due to the 10 LB’s I packed on since I started teaching. I’ve been going to McDonald’s 3x a week as a breakfast reward for waking up and going to a JOB. So now I can’t fit into clothes anymore. Like, any clothes. I have to swaddle myself in whatever fabrics I can rustle up in the morning and pin myself into.
So they built extra cubicles, and I am now forced to drive all the way to work just to sit in one. I’m fucking pissed. Thank GOD “The Slurper” is not in my lab this time (more on him and a longer vid later, right now I have something naughty to do that takes precedence.)
Especially if purchased from the the price-inflating gas stations, and especially if you plan on drinking it. That Suze Orman organism is beginning to get to me. Bitch be makin’ me paranoid. Look, the cork wouldn’t even go back in (cause the wine is THAT BAD):
Mmm, can’t wait until noon. I think the saran-wrap-as-cork allows the spirit of the wine to mingle with the atmosphere in such a way that it is going to taste even more putrid. But tough times, they come-a-knockin’, and this American is ready and willing to answer the call. I think. I’ll let you know shortly.
I just want to build a giant pillow fort today and not ever come out. I have so much work to do and I want to run away from home, teenager-style: backpack and get on the Greyhound, only to return 3 days later and 10 pounds thinner.
We all know that I don’t exactly “thrive” when forced to do something I don’t want to do. I generally act like a 5-year old in these situations, which is why I spend a lot of time at home. HOWEVS. Last night I tried to make an exception, and all things considered, I give myself a B minus.
Oh wells. I have an extremely hard time concealing my displeasure, to the point where it should be considered a legal retardation or handicap. I was good for about 2 hours, then it started leaking via facial expressions and “funny” [I thought they were funny] comments. YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
Know what, alarm clock? Know what woulda been cool? If you had told me that after 5-7 snoozes on my part, you would be like “FUCK YOU then”, and proceed to make executive decisions regarding the rest of my day by shutting yourself off completely.
*BTW, anyone who owns an alarm clock like the one above is an automatic asshole. No questions asked.
So I shot out of bed with 15 minutes to get ready, took a quick Trailer Park Shower (splash of cold water on the face, a fresh layer of deodorant, and a quick teeth-brushing). I was feeling down in the dumps, so I decided to make myself even later and get an Egg McMuffin: I am 100% positive that they fried it in butter today, if that is even possible. Or someone accidentally dropped it in a vat of butter — either way, I almost threw up in the morning meeting I was late for.
A butter-soaked mcmuffin may sound good, but it’s actually quite raunchy. Feeling much better now, hammock-side with a cold one, beautiful day outside, carbon monoxide alarm going off again but not consistently so let’s hope I don’t die. Friday’s are my FAVORITE.
Filed under: he-celebs, oh fuck, old people, politics, she-celebs, tv, what a dick, working
I am so freaking P.O.’d about this. I know I expressed great regret over the last presidential debate-drinking game, but events of tonight’s caliber only come around once or twice in ever. UnFORTUNATELY, I have my weekly Meeting of Death tomorrow morning, and predict that I’ll be working late into the night.
This insanely awesome show will be on in the background, but I won’t be able to experience the event as fully or deeply as the rest of the nation, which no doubt will be engaged in some drinking game. Unless I will, in which case I’ll formulate and post the rules as we go on my tumblr: http://halfassitude.tumblr.com/
Dudes, I just ate my morning fatgirl tacos, and guess what:
I don’t feel so good and I’m way tired. Howevs, today I have to write an hour-long lecture on spamdexing or some shit for tomorrow’s class, then do research for Scary Meeting on Friday, and also get in at least 30 minutes of wall-staring. :(
I suppose I will make a list:
Pros: I am tired, I am already in the hammock and my pug is here sleeping so WHY CAN’T I, and also I have a lot of work right now.
Cons: I already had some coffee, I have to wake up early tomorrow so I should rilly not stay up till one tonight, and I have so much fucking work to do today
Clearly, the Pros have it. Why does it seem like someone’s grandma hacked into my blog and created this post. This is like the gayest post ever.
